Friday, April 25, 2014

A box with a bow.

After standing in the door way and awkward hellos, I locked up the house and followed Cole to the car, where he opened the door of his Chevy truck for me and I found a cute box on the passenger seat with a blue bow and my name written on it. I smiled looking over my shoulder at him as I picked it up and climbed into the truck, holding it in my lap while he closed my door then walked around and settled into the driver’s seat starting up the truck.

“You didn’t have to get me anything” I said smiling as I pulled the bow off and opened the white box. Laying inside was a navy blue baseball hat with an aqua “b” on it. I smiled pulling it out, not recognizing the team as I looked over at him and smiled. “What team is this?” I asked.

“that is the bluefish” he said laughing a little “nothing big, just a liberty division baseball team who happen to play just about 20 minutes from here” he said smiling big now, “and we just happen to have seats to tonight’s game.” He added, enthusiastic about the plans he had made.

I smiled and pulled the baseball cap on, fixing my hair and adjusting it then put on my seat belt, “sounds great!” I exclaimed looking over at him, “and thank you for my hat. I love it” I said smiling sweetly over at him, texting sky to let her know where we were going just in case something were to happen since it was apparent we were leaving town and then turned my phone on silent and slid it into my purse.

“So how was your morning at work?” Cole asked, the conversation light and easy as we pulled onto the highway.

“It was busy…” I said recalling Andrew coming in, “until my regular job starts up, I am working at that café near my house, and it was surprisingly busy for a Tuesday” I said smiling, “what did you do today?”

“I actually had the day off from work, so I road my new bike out for a few hours, then just some errands. What’s your regular job?” he asked glancing over at me then back to the road.

“I am actually going to be working with Sky at the elementary school near my house. This will be my first year teaching kindergarten.” I said smiling proudly, “what kind of bike?” I asked curiously.

“Wow a teacher? That’s great Jess!” he exclaimed, his smile giving me butterflies. “I ride a Harley Davidson Dyna Wide glide,” he said proudly and I could tell it was something he was passionate about, “have you ever been on a bike before?” he asked as he pulled off the exit.

“Yea actually, I have two brothers who ride, and my dad has been on the bike since I was little.” I say, smiling as I think about them, “so I’ve been around that scene my whole life.”

“That’s awesome! Maybe you could come riding with me sometime this week..?” he asked.

Hardly even through one date and already being asked on another, score! “I would really enjoy that.”  I answer honestly. “So when you aren’t off and out riding, what do you do for work?”

“I’m a firefighter in town.” He said, and I just barely stopped myself from drooling. YUM!

“Sounds dangerous,” I said smiling over at him as he parked the car then leaned into the back for a hoodie and handed it to me.

“You might need this, after the sun sets it usually gets pretty cold.” I smile taking it. Wow he really did have all the bases covered here. No pun intended. I climbed out of the car, pulling my cross body bag over my head and adjusting it against my body and hanging onto the hood as I walked around to meet him in front of the car. “Ready?” he asked, smiling excitedly. He looked so cute.

“Absolutely,” I said smiling when he reached down and took my hand, holding it as we made our way to the stadium. “Have you been to a lot of games here?” I asked looking up at him as he handed the lady our tickets and we headed inside.

“My niece and nephew love coming, so I usually take them.” He said smiling sweetly at the mention of them, nearly melting my heart. “My niece, Molly is five, and my nephew, Grayson is eight. I usually buy season tickets and bring them as much as I can.” He added, explaining a little.

“I have a niece too, Michaela, she’s three.” I said proudly, “I’ve missed her being around since I moved here.” I said frowning a little, “but she’s coming with my two brothers and my dad to visit this weekend.”

“That’s awesome, I have an older sister and a younger sister. The kids belong to Cassie, my older sister.” He said smiling.

“Looks like we’re both the awesome middle child then” I said laughing a little as we found our seats.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Cole offered just before the game started.

“A beer sounds good.” I said smiling sweetly just before he turned and headed up the stairs towards the concession stand.


Cole pulled into my driveway a few hours later, putting the car in park. Unfortunately the team lost, but the beer, hot dogs, and good company were worth it. I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to face him a little, smiling, “I had a really good time tonight…” I said blushing a little as I looked him in the eye,

His hand reached over and rested on my leg gradually, “I did too,” he whispered, leaning in and kissing me gently, “thanks for coming with me.” He whispered softly before sitting back up right again.

I opened my mouth to invite him in but was interrupted as he turned and climbed out of the car to open my door from him. And I have to admit, I was a little relieved he was willing to just walk me to the door and say goodnight then go home. Yes I wanted to invite him in, but I needed someone who was going to respect me as well, and it was clear that he did.

I took his hand as I climbed down from the truck, not letting go as he shut the door and walked me up the driveway to my front door. “Can I call you sometime this week?” he asked, making me smile as a wave of nervousness seemed to come over him.

“I hope you will,” I said smiling, “thank you for tonight.”

“My pleasure,” he said pulling me into him and kissing me deeply, his tongue teasing mine a little before pulling away with a grin on his face, “Goodnight Jessica.” He whispered, kissing me again softly then turning and walking back towards his truck.

I turned to unlock my door with the biggest goofiest grin on my face, laughing at myself for looking like a girl after getting her first real kiss. I turned and waved before walking into the house and locking the door behind me.

Turns out getting back in the dating game wasn’t going to be as hard as I thought.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Comfy, Casual At It's Finest.

The rest of Monday was spent with a few tears and a lot of cleaning. I scrubbed my kitchen, dining room and living room top to bottom. Then vacuumed all the rugs in the house and scrubbed both bathrooms. I don’t know if I was just eager to get everything cleaned on my day off, especially with the nice weather, or if I was more into cleaning everything in my house because I was sad and looking for a fresh start. Whatever the reason was, my house was spotless, which was great considering Cole would be picking me up for our date tonight, and my family would be coming to stay this weekend. And if I knew my dad he would be the first one to say something about how a cleaning lady obviously hasn’t come over or how he hates cooking in a dirty kitchen so we were all going out to eat instead.

Anyways, no time for stress about my dad coming to visit, I was mentally preparing my outfit and makeup choices for my date tonight while I served coffees and freshly baked pastries at work. Sky was meeting me at my house with clothes from her closet that I could borrow if need be, and to help me calm my nerves while I got ready. Thank god for that.

At one I decided to take a lunch break. I grabbed half a Panini and made a mango smoothie then headed outside to eat at one of the tables in front. I was almost done with my sandwich when my eyes caught Andrews across the street. Are you kidding me! I gave him a stern look of warning, begging him from across the street to stay over there and not come over. Not only did I not want to being my personal problems inside of my work place but I also didn’t want my problems with Andrew to ruin my afternoon and make me blah for my evening with Cole. That wouldn’t be fair to him and it’s not fair to me either.

I should have known the look wouldn’t work, because before I knew it he was making his way over to me and I was making my way back into the café for cover. I hoped he would get the hint seeing me walk away from him, but of course he didn’t. I dashed behind the counter, turning my back to the door and cleaning up my plate and cup while Danielle, the college girl Maureen hired to work a few days a week rang customers out. I was thankful that I wasn’t here alone and that maybe ignoring him would be easier. Again plan back fired. Andrew waited in line behind four other people, then specifically asked Danielle to get me. I zoned in on my cup, trying to ignore the two of them and get rid of the goose bumps that had taken over my whole body upon hearing my name come out of Andrew’s mouth.

“Jessica, he’s asking for you...” I heard Danielle say twice before asking Andrew to step and wait at the second register so she could continue to help the people in line.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, and pulled myself together before turning around to face him. I sighed a little as his eyes caught mine when I turned, “what…” I asked softly, hopeful he would realize how much this all was affecting me and would just leave. Damn, I didn’t think seeing him again was going to be so hard.

“I don’t want to give up on you Jess,” he whispered leaning over the counter a little so no one else could hear him talking to me. “Please just give me a chance to explain.” He asked, looking hopeful that I would say yes. His eyes burning into me, silently begging for my forgiveness.

My hands covered my face as I took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say and what to do. I shrugged a little, smiling weakly, knowing if I opened my mouth I would probably cry.

“I hate seeing what this is doing to you. What I’m doing to you. I want to make it right...” He whispered. “Please.”

I wiped at my eyes, “fine.” I said softly and weakly, the word just barely escaping my mouth. “But I can’t tonight.” I added, trying to avoid eye contact.

“Oh…” he said in a disappointed voice, sounding slightly surprised that I had plans and couldn’t just come coming back to him.

“How does Thurday at noon sound? I get out of here at 12 and I can meet you for lunch somewhere?” I suggested, figuring if we meet on mutual grounds it would be easier to get up and leave if need be. Also, if I’m in public maybe I won’t completely lose my mind and cry like a baby in front of him. And Friday was a few days away, so maybe I could come up with something to say.

“Sounds good, I’ll cancel my afternoon appointments and text you around 1230 and we can figure out a place?” He said, smiling now. Role model man for perfect teeth, holy cow.

“Yes, good…” I said, looking at him, wondering why he wasn’t leaving. Yes he was nice to look at but it was crushing me even more having to stare at something I knew I couldn’t have.

After Andrew left I finished up my shift then headed home around 4 to prepare for my night with Cole, who would be picking me up at 7.

I ran a hot bath and poured myself a glass of wine to try and unwind and get all the Andrew drama out of my head. I grabbed a book from my bookcase, then sank down into the tub, sighing as I relaxed back and let the warm water engulf me. I set my book down on the floor and sipped my wine then sank down even further so only my head was showing now, leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

Before I knew it, it was 5 and time to start getting ready. I grabbed my razor and shaved my legs and armpits while the tub started to drain, then stood up and turned on the shower, rinsing off and washing my hair. After relaxing under the water for a few minutes too long my fingers began to prune, and I climbed out of the shower, wrapping a towel tightly around me and then grabbed another towel to dry my hair a little.

I padded through the house and set up at my makeup desk, grabbing my phone and smiled seeing a text from Cole. “I am looking forward to tonight. I can’t wait to see you. Casual comfy clothes are perfect. J

I headed towards the closet then, casual clothes definitely were not what I had in mind for our first date, but I could figure it out. Just as I was reaching for a pair of dark jean shorts I heard Sky yelling hello from the mudroom. “Upstairs!” I yelled back, tossing the shorts onto the bed as Sky and Daisy came bounding up the stairs into my room.

“I hope that’s what you’re wearing tonight” Sky said laughing as she looked over at me in my robe with my hair up in a towel. Yes I know, natural fashionista.

“this is not what I am wearing, fortunate enough for the public eye, BUT I don’t know what I’m wearing because Cole just texted me and told me to dress ‘causal comfy’” I said turning back to her, “so I’m thinking those jean shorts,” I add pointing to them on the bed, “with a cute shirt, which I can’t decide on, and then maybe converse?” I say sighing in defeat, “I literally have no clue what to wear..!”

Sky walked over and stood next to me, peering into my closet, “hmmm” she said scanning through my large collection of clothes which explain the reason I’m always so poor. “What about this?” she said reaching and grabbing a white tube top off the hanger, “with the jean shorts and boat shoes?” she added bending over to grab a pair of boat shoes from the floor of my closet, “causal, cute and comfy.” She said triumphantly.

“I like it,” I say tossing the top and shoes onto the bed then walked over and sat at my makeup desk to get ready quickly before getting changed.

I brushed on a light tan color eye shadow, putting eye liner on only the top and bottom outer corner of my eyes, then loaded up on mascara. Hellooooo luscious long eye lashes! After feeling satisfied with my eyes I rubbed on some concealer and a bit of bronzer then a very thin coat of nude lip stick.

“Want me to do your hair?” sky offered as I ran a brush through it quickly untangling it.

“Yes please!” I say turning and smiling at her over my shoulder. For a girl with years of experience, I never was good at my hair.

I shook my head a little, tossing my hair as she walked over and ran her fingers through my damp hair then quickly started to blow dry it. After a few minutes she turned the dryer off and plugged in my hair curler, brushing my hair as it heated up.

 “So Andrew came to my work today…” I said softly as she sectioned off my hair to do it. Not moving and staring at me waiting for an explanation.

“I don’t know what else there is to say. He just showed up and wouldn’t leave until I spoke to him. Then he kept asking to meet up so we could talk, that way he could explain himself.” I said, leaving it there for now, staring down at my hands as she began curling pieces of my hair.

 “I told him I could see him Friday…” I said pausing to see her reaction, “but before you freak out, it’s just a quick lunch, and anyway, I don’t want to talk about him when I’m about to go out with Cole.” I said, my voice begging for her to drop the subject. I know I shouldn’t have brought it up if I didn’t want to talk about it but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to get it off my chest and I trusted her to not judge.

She stood in silence, fixing and finishing up with my hair, big loose wavy beachy curls hanging down then placed the curler down, “all set,” she said smiling, “now get dressed, Cole will be here soon!”

I sighed, relieved that she had dropped the Andrew subject and smiled back at her in the mirror, “thank you,” I said motioning to my hair, although I think we both knew it was for letting Andrew go for the moment.

I stood and changed quickly, pulling on a nude thong and strapless bra then pulling on the top, adjusting it over my bra and slipping on my jean shorts and tucked my shirt into it then buttoned them. I turned and examined myself in the mirror, smiling at what I saw. Just as I was slipping into my shoes I heard a knock at the door. “oh my god its him!” I said turning to Sky, suddenly so nervous. “How do I look?”

“Great, now go let him in before he starts to sweat! Its humid out there,” she said laughing, “ill clean this up, you have fun!” She added motioning to the mess from getting ready.

“Thank you!” I said hugging her the grabbing my black cross body purse and headed down the stairs, “I owe you one” I said as I turned the corner is headed for the front door. I paused reaching it, taking a deep breath and then opened the door, smiling as I saw Cole, looking better than ever. “Hello..”

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Heartbreak with a side of the hangover blues.

I woke up the next morning with a pounding head ache. I squinted over at the clock on my night stand. 7:23. I should have known that drinking a bottle (or three) of wine accompanied by a few shots last night would have me waking up hurting. Why was it so bright in my room? Ugh.

After leaving Andrews around 3:30, I sat in the front seat of my car and cried it out until about 4, then headed right to heaven on earth. Aka the strip mall near my house where the liquor store neighbored the pizza shop. I ordered a small pepperoni extra cheese pizza then headed next door and bought three bottles of wine while I waited for it to be cooked. After all was said and done, I climbed back into my car with my dates for the night and headed home. The pizza and wine then accompanied me on my couch for a binge night with a rerun marathon of Say Yes to The Dress episodes. Around 6pm, I texted Maureen that I wasn’t going to be able to come into work the following morning, which I know was immature of me but I hadn’t taken a day off since I started working there and I needed a me night turned into a me day badly after everything that went down in the last 48 hours. After that I left my phone on quiet up in my bed and took two bottles of wine to the face, hard, and ate one slice of pizza more than I would like to admit. Needless to say, whatever happened after that was a blur and now I was feeling the repercussions of my mini break down night--all over my body.

I searched my bed, hitting my blankets all around me until I felt my phone in my hand, I opened my eyes squinting down at it and found four missed calls and a bunch of texts. I scrolled through them, 2 from my dad, oops; 3 from Andrew, EW; and 1 from Lauren.

I opened the texts shortly after. Rolling onto my stomach to get more comfortable I began looking through them. Holy shit. I don’t know if I was more surprised that ten of the messages were from Andrew, or that during my drunken stupor I didn’t answer him. I decided to skip over those and look at the rest then deal with that fuckery after. I opened the group message from the girls, laughing at the pictures I sent them in my drunken pizza splurge. Then opened the text from my dad and smiled immediately, reading over the few messages from him, letting me know him along with my two brothers, Jake and Joey, and my niece, Joe’s daughter, Michaela, would be visiting me on Friday for the weekend. I frowned a little thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve seen them. A family weekend sounded like the most perfect way to end what I know was going to be a hectic upcoming week.

I closed my eyes, sighing a little then pulled myself up and out of bed, padding through the house and letting Daisy outside. I settled down on my couch, which unfortunately instantly reminded me of Andrew and the little surprise I found just a short while ago. I laid back and unlocked my phone then opened my inbox. Starring at Andrew’s name, with a blue bold little dot next to it in my phone, indicated unread messages. I ran my thumb over the screen, not pressing hard enough to open the messages, wondering whether I should just delete them or take the time and read through them. I decided on the later, knowing if I deleted them I would go crazy all day wondering what they said. The instant butterflies in my stomach made me regret opening them. My mind reeling with thoughts as I read each message one by one.

Andrew: You’re so pretty when you’re mad.

Arrogant son of a bitch.

Andrew: Jess…please let me explain.

What was there to explain?

Andrew: I’ve been worried about you all night, please just let me know you got home alright. I know you were probably really upset while you were driving.

 Oh, so now you want to be a decent guy?

Andrew: Please….

Begging now are we?

Andrew: I know I don’t deserve your time but please don’t shut me out without at least hearing my side of things. I was going to tell you. This is not how I planned on things working out.

I want to hear your side so badly. I want to forgive you, but I know I shouldn’t.

Andrew: I knew I shouldn’t even have hung out with you. I know even that was crossing a boundary. I knew from the moment I saw you that you weren’t going to be an easy girl to get out of my head and from the first time we hung out I was sure of it. I know I shouldn’t have showed up at your house that night, but there was nowhere else I could even think about wanting to be.

And here come the tears. At least I know he felt strongly quickly like I had.

Andrew: There’s no words to even explain how poorly I feel about all of this. Even after it all, I can’t get you out of my mind.

The feeling was mutual there.

Andrew: Can I come over tomorrow? Or we meet up somewhere maybe?

Yes. NO. Well I guess so, yea. NO JESS! My poor conscious was sooooo confused.

Andrew:  I hope you are safe. Please don’t let this be the end. You already kissed me. It not like things could get worse from here….

I guess we was true in that. I was already in a way “the other girl.” He had already cheated on his wife with me, and nothing was going to change that fact. So would letting it continue on even be any more bad? The harm and damage was already done, wasn’t it?

I hated myself for even trying to justify all of this and make it okay.

Andrew: Goodnight pretty girl.  I am so sorry. I really am. Please talk to me tomorrow.

You have no idea how badly I want to.

I wiped the tears from my face, last night’s mascara streaking across my hand. I was glad that I hadn’t texted him back and was just dealing with this problem alone. I didn’t know what I was going to do about the whole situation, but I definitely needed to figure it out on my own before seeing Andrew again, or I know my decision will swing one way, and I’m not sure if I’m mentally prepared to be the other girl just yet.