Monday, August 11, 2014

"Our girlfriends are our soulmates..." -Sex in the City

I lay curled up on my couch with a half-eaten pint of Ben & Jerry’s and binge watching Scandal on Netflix. I wasn’t excepting to be this upset about ending things with Cole. I had even canceled my dinner plans with Andrew, and he was ultimately the one I chose. But he didn’t know that, and I didn’t want to be mourning the end of one relationship when I was starting to get into another.

As expected, not long after Cole had left Sky and Lauren were both blowing up the group chat wanting answers. Ah the downside to dating your best friends boyfriends roommate. And so I set my phone to silent before my ice cream and Netflix binge and here I was, alone with my two boys and President Fitz and his mistress. Watching Olivia’s struggle with being the other women as I once would commit to being should have probably changed my mind, but her and Fitz’s love just made me want to be with Andrew that much more. I must be sick in the head or something. Just as I was counting down the second for Netflix to automatically start another episode and keep me glued to my couch without even needing to get up and find the remote, I heard a knock on my door.

I laid back and closed my eyes, trying to ignore whoever was on the other side of the door. But the knocking kept coming, louder and louder and louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. “IM COMING!” I yelled, as I climbed off the couch and jogged to the door, swinging it open to find the girls each holding a bottle of wine. They pushed past me into the house before I could turn them away (not that I would of, I mean come on, they had wine!).

“Oooo Scandal,” Lauren said as she climbed on the couch, “and it looks like were just in time to save you from a sugar coma” she added, laughing as she picked up the almost empty carton of ice cream.

I couldn’t help but laugh and smile, which is exactly what I needed. But I knew I was about to get questioned by both of them and for that I was not prepared. I still didn’t know what to say about Andrew. But I knew I needed to at least tell them something about why I had ended things. I grabbed the ice cream and found the lid, returning it to my freezer (which by the way my dad left fully stocked along with my fridge!) I grabbed three wine glasses down from my cabinet but was interrupted as soon as I did, “Oh no you don’t!” Sky practically yelled, “Three bottles, one for each, no glasses needed. And were sleeping here tonight.” She said, smiling, “so just bring a wine opener and yourself back to the couch women!”

I laughed, rolling my eyes and grabbed my wine opener from the junk drawer, returning to my spot on the couch. “You guys didn’t have to come here, I am okay.” I assured them, as I tossed Sky the wine opener and got an opened bottle of white zinfandel back.

“We know you are ‘okay’,” Lauren said, rolling her eyes and using air quotes around the word okay. “But in the reality of things, we know you’re not, and we want details, hence the personal bottles of wine to get your to spill your guts.” She said winking and laughing as I took a big swig from the bottle, closing my eyes as I felt it slide smoothly down my throat. Ah the first sip is always the best. I mentally scolded myself, remembering I had to be up and at work at 7 tomorrow morning, but that thought was shoved aside with another gulp of wine.

“So, please tell me why Cole came home, interrupted me and Toms rendezvous on the couch, huffing and puffing all over the place and looking for a bottle of god only knows what…” Sky asked, looking across the room at me curiously.

Wow I guess we weren’t wasting any time with the details. I took a big chug of wine, contemplating what I was going to say. I knew I needed to keep Andrew a secret, but I needed to tell them. I needed to talk to someone.

“I ended it,” I said lightly, shrugging a little. “I couldn’t give myself to him 100%, so I just ended it.” I said carefully, trying to gauge their reactions.

“But why!” Lauren asked, “He seemed perfect, how could you not give all of yourself to someone. Who else is keeping your mind occupied?” she asked, her words fading out at the end, realizing the answer to the question as she asked it.

I nodded my head a little, answering the unasked question of whether or not it was Andrew. I couldn’t help but reach for the bottle again and take another large drink of it. I didn’t know how they were going to react. They knew he was married, and now they knew I was setting myself up to be his mistress.

Simultaneously the girl’s eyes practically bugged out of their heads as their mouth dropped opened. I couldn’t help but laugh, and instantly covered my mouth knowing it wasn’t the right time for that.

“But he’s, Andrew. Married. What!?” Sky rambled, trying to make sense of this all.

“Sky you cannot tell Tom. Please. I don’t want Cole to know who was behind all of this. I told him there was someone else but not who, and especially not that it was a married man. Please.” I pleaded, “I just told him I needed to figure things out with someone else before I could be involved with anyone. I know he won’t wait for me to figure my shit out, and I don’t expect him too, hell he didn’t even try to fight for me, he just walked away so maybe he doesn’t really even give a shit, but I just don’t want him finding out. And I promised Andrew I wouldn’t tell anyone about him and me, so I don’t want to regret telling you guys. Secret. Please.” I practically begged now. “Besides, I’m going to tell Andrew he needs to choose me or his wife, he can’t have both,” I added softly, not knowing how they would react to that little detail. It hadn’t hit me until I spoke the words that I was about to break up a family. Fuck.

“I won’t say anything,” Lauren said softly, looking over at me sympathetically, then looking to Sky waiting for her reassurance. I looked over at her as well, I knew I was putting her in a tough position because I was sure Tom was bound to ask what had happened, but I couldn’t have them knowing. I couldn’t risk potentially hurting Cole more.


“He does give a shit about you Jess. Cole, I mean. I haven’t seen up so disgruntled over a girl in a long time. But I won’t say anything. I promise. As long as you won’t see Andrew if he doesn’t leave his wife.” She added quickly.

“I promise,” I whispered nodding my head yes to assure her even more. “Thank you guys for coming over.”

“Oh please, we just needed a wine and scandal excuse!” Lauren exclaimed lightening up the mood, laughing as she held her bottle out, “cheers ladies!”

We all clinked bottles and drank more, getting comfortable and starting scandal back up a few episodes back so we could all be on the same page. I looked at both girls smiling as they intently watched the show, I may not have Cole, and after talking to Andrew I may not have him, but I had my girlfriends, and I was damn lucky for that. 

 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that i cant keep loving you...


I sat nervously on my back deck, watching as locals and summer renters walked up and down the beach at the water’s edge, a few people were swimming around out there. I had texted Cole back a few minutes after he answered me this morning and asked him to come over around three. It was now 3:07 and my mouth was dry, my mind racing. How could I find the right words to say to him? What was I going to start with? Or end with? I was not ready for this. Just as I was about to grab my phone, chicken out and cancel I heard his voice.

“Jess...” he said loudly enough for me to hear as he walked around the side of the house from the driveway and climbed up onto the deck.

“Hey,” I said softly. I couldn’t help but smile seeing him, and he looked so good in the gym shorts and tank top he was wearing. It was obvious he had just come from the gym. “How are you?” I asked as he chose the seat across from me and settled down.

He laughed a little, running his fingers through his hair, “I would be better if I knew what was going on to be honest.” He said smiling halfheartedly.

I nodded, understanding. I knew I looked stressed about the conversation, and I’m sure it wasn’t hard for him to figure out this conversation was bound to be a bad one.

“So,” I said, stopping there and closing my eyes, running my hands over my face. I was not prepared for this, and it hurt me more knowing how hard this was for me, because it was obvious it did care about him. But I cared too much about him. And I cared enough to not want to hurt him. That’s why this had to be done. “I don’t really know what to say here, other than I can’t see you anymore.” I said softly, looking up to see a confused look on his face. “And I know we never were officially dating, so I guess this isn’t like a break up or anything, but I needed to tell you rather than just remove myself from your life without an explanation.” I added, opening my mouth to speak again so he’d stay quiet and just let me finish. “Maybe you never even saw this going anywhere, so this won’t mean anything to you and this will be like me letting you off the hook, I don’t even know,” I added, saddened by the truth of it all. I didn’t know where we stood or really how he felt about me. I paused, thinking about what to say next, knowing I had to stay on track here. “There is someone else.” I said sadly. “It’s complicated. I don’t know if he and I will even work out, but I need to figure things out there before I can move on or be with anyone else.” I said softly, “and that’s why I need to end this with you. Because I can see whatever this was between us going a long way and becoming something strong. But I can’t do that with this other person lingering around in my mind. It’s not fair to either of us if my head and heart can’t be 100% with one person. It’s selfish for me to want you to wait for me to figure my shit out, so I’m not going to ask you too. But I hope we can still be at least friends for now.” I hated myself after saying that word, ‘friends’. That was like a punch in the gut and I knew it, because the same line had been fed to me many times before.

I opened my mouth once more but this time nothing came out. I had nothing left to say, and my stomach was in knots as I sat across from Cole trying to avoid eye contact. After what felt like an eternity I peered up to find Cole’s eyes burning into me. His face was blank, completely stone, leaving it hard for me to read what was going on in his mind.

“Cole?” I whispered, needing some sort of reaction from him.

“Dammit Jessica,” he growled through gritted teeth as he stood up. I bit my lower lip nervously, looking up at him, expecting the wrath to come. But then to my surprise his face relaxed. His eyes softened and he headed to the stairs that lead toward the driveway. “Goodbye.” Was all I could hear him say as he looked back at me then turned the corner.

As soon as he disappeared I broke down, crying hard for myself and for him. I knew I hurt him and I was scared that I had just made the worst decision of my life. I needed to figure things out with Andrew, but was it selfish of me to be a little hurt Cole didn’t even try fighting for me?

Maybe he wasn’t too serious about us after all.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Time to put on my big girl panties....


“So what do you think I should do?” I asked, wiping a tear off my face.

It was just after lunch and my brothers where playing in the water with Cay, leaving me and my dad on the beach alone. I filled him in on my situation, knowing he would be disappointed in the married man detail but also knowing he would give me the best advice as to what to do.

“Jessica,” he said, and I could hear the undertone of disappointment in his voice. He opened his mouth to talk again, closing it right after. I grabbed my beer off the top of the cooler and took a sip, trying to judge what he was about to say. “I don’t approve of the married thing. With that being said I know you are an adult and you’re going to make your own decisions. While I wish I could ban you from seeing him, I know that wouldn’t stop you, so I am not sure what to say. I don’t want to encourage you to be with someone that would tear apart a family if kept secret, however I can tell he’s the one you want.” He said sighing “Just the way you talked about him, I can tell he’s the one you would rather be with at the end of the day. With that being said, you clearly have feelings for Cole too. You just light up in different ways when you speak of both of them, and the light in your eyes when you spoke of Andrew just shone a little brighter. You seemed really interested in both guys, but you need to pick one Jessica, or you’re going to ruin one family and hurt someone who you seem to care about as well. You really have gotten yourself into a tough situation here.”

I half smiled, knowing then what I had to do. “Thanks Dad,” was all I could manage to say, leaning over and giving him a big hug.

I stood up from my chair, reaching my hand out to help him up, “let’s go swim,” I said smiling, knowing I could deal with the guys tomorrow, but right now I needed to spend time with my family before they had to leave in the morning.

My dad stood, wrapping his arm around me closely and kissing me on top of the head, “no matter who you chose, he better treat you right, and you better be happy.” He said smiling, then left me with that thought as he started to jog into the water splashing Michaela.

--------

I washed, then rewashed my body, repeating the same gesture with my hair, giving me another excuse to stand in the hot shower and avoid my phone a little longer. My dad, brothers, Michaela and Annie left about 40 minutes prior. After saying our final goodbyes, and some embarrassing and unnecessary tears on my part, I found myself alone in my house once again. It had been awhile since it was just Daisy and I, and I had a strong feeling that after my conversations with the guys the loneliness wasn’t going to subside. Putting it off a little longer I cleaned the house quickly, getting everything back in order and now here I was, standing under the hot water just waiting for it to run out and force me out of the shower, just so I could steer clear of texting the guys a little longer. Wow, I got myself into this sticky situation and now I was becoming such a pussy.

After a few minutes the hot water started to fade into a luke warm feel until it eventually was raining ice down over my body. I turned it off and climbed out, wrapping my robe around me and padding into my bedroom, where the dreaded phone awaited. I don’t know why I was making such a deal of this, I mean asking each of them to talk is the easy part, what I really needed to be worried about was what I was going to say once that point in time finally came, and I couldn’t even get myself to put the whole process in motion. 

After practically pacing a hole in my carpet I sat down on the edge of my bed and picked up my phone, texting Cole and Andrew both the same thing:

                      I have to talk to you about something. Can we meet up some time soon?

After pressing send with shaky fingers I tossed my phone onto the other side of my bed and decided I needed to distract myself with my hair and makeup for a while. And that’s exactly what I did for about twelve minutes (no I wasn’t counting……..) until my phone buzzed with a reply. And like the typical girl I try not to be, I practically broke my hip and fractured my skull diving across my room and onto my bed to see who it was.

Cole.