Is anyone still out there!?

I have missed writing with every ounce of my being. So maybe it's time to start doing the things I love again. I know I have abandoned you all and with forgiveness I would love to come back! But I do a question and I am leaving it in the readers hands....

Should I start a new blog? Or should I continue on with Jessica's story? There is still a lot of life left in her. What do y'all think!

Heart Dropper...

“What’s that buzzing?” I grumbled. Jerking up as soon as I finished saying the words, forgetting where I was for a second. I looked around and managed to somehow get my bearings in the dark. Andrews bed? Yes. That was right. Holy cow. “Andrew,” I grumbled shaking him a little to no avail. “Andrew!” I whispered as loud as I could without waking the people in the condo next door. His eyes half opened and he let out a groan that almost made me want to settle down next to him in bed again and drift back off. The evening with him had been going to well. The Chinese was great. The beer was cold and we laughed and kissed more than we spoke. Then we returned to his bed to settle in and watch a movie. These were the relaxing nights I longed for. And it felt so right. But I didn’t intend on sleeping over. And now there was a buzzing noise waking me up and bringing me back to my senses. “Andrew wake up! I think your phone is going off somewhere!”

Without hesitation this time he swung his legs out from under the cover and was standing next to the bed, basketball shorts hanging low on his hips and his bare chest flexed as he stretched his arms back over his head yawning. He shook the comforter, both of our phones flying up in the air, and landing on the floor. He grabbed his, sliding mine onto the night stand and check it. “Huh. No missed calls or texts. Buzzing wasn’t my fault.”

I frowned a little rolling over, my hand fumbling around reaching for my phone. The clock on the night stand next to it reading 3:46. Who was trying to get ahold of me this late? What the hell. I flipped my phone around, unlocking it and seeing text messages after text message and tons of missed calls from Sky. What was going on? I slid out of bed and walked out onto his balcony, the warm air feeling good on my bare legs and arms. I looked down to find myself in a pair of Andrews’s boxers and a t-shirt. Closing the sliding door behind me I pressed play and began listening to the voice mail from Sky. My heart instantly dropped.

The Words I Couldnt Say...

I climbed the stairs to his front door, white knuckling the 6 packs as a result of my nerves. I could almost feel my whole body shaking. What was wrong with me? I was so sure this was right but at the same time I know how wrong it is. What’s that famous saying though? The heart wants what I wants? Was my heart a “bad heart” for wanting someone who shouldn’t be wanting me back? How does someone justify wanting someone else’s husband? How does someone push those thoughts and feelings aside in order to be happy? But when I’m actually with Andrew those thoughts seem to just dissipate. What was I getting myself into? This is all just too crazy. And before I could process all these thoughts and figure out my shit in the 5 seconds it takes a person to climb someone’s front steps, Andrew was opening the door and reaching for the beer to take it from my hands.

“Well hurry inside, it’s about a million degrees out here and I’ve been missing you.” Andrew exclaimed, practically pulling me and the beer inside. I giggled at his excitement and the thoughts just faded away. I kicked the door shut behind me and followed him into the kitchen, opening the fridge so he could put the beer inside. As soon as the beer was out of his hands, they were on my face. His rough hands cupped my face softly as he pulled me up, kissing me quickly but hard before pulling back. I smiled and reached for him pulling his lips back to mind quickly, “Well hello there,” I said giggling and reaching behind him for a few beers.

“If I didn’t know better, I would think you were more excited to have henrys on your lips than me,” he said laughing and grabbing the bottle opener. “Let’s order dinner, is Chinese okay?”

“Perfect. Orange chicken?”

“How about that and some chicken lo mien, we can share.”

“Extra soy sauce and fortune cookies and you have a deal,” I said padding across the room to the couch as he dialed and ordered. 40 minute.

Leaving his phone in the kitchen he climbed over the couch landing beside me. “Now what shall we do while we wait?” he said smirking as his hand ran up and down my thigh.

I raised my eye brows and laughed, now was the perfect chance to tell him it was him. But I couldn’t bring myself to say the words I was longing to say and to admit that if he was going to be with me I wasn’t sure how I would feel with him being with his wife too. Suddenly all my lips could do was kiss his.

 

From bubbles to beers.

Work went by almost quicker than ever, especially for a humid August Monday morning. After the typical morning rush at 8 we only had about 20 customers the rest of the day. It was actually quite weird for a summer morning but I assumed the rain and humidity had something to do with it. Not that I’m complaining, this drought thing Connecticut has going on needs to be corrected before bon fire season and its already mid-August. Fall and fire nights are coming! I got home around 4:15 and was a little relieved to find an empty house. I didn’t mind the girls hanging out there all day but after the emotional rollercoaster I had been on the last 36 hours all I really wanted was peace and quiet for a little.

 I cleaned up the dishes and things in the kitchen then went to my room and dug out a bottle of philosophy pomegranate bubble bath I still had from Christmas the year before. It was around 5, I ran the hot water, squeezed a little more of the soap than needed into the tub, and undressed while the tub filled up. I lit a few candles and turned my bathroom lights down a little, climbing into the tub and sinking down so all but my head disappeared under the water and bubbles. After a few minutes I was accustomed to the hot water and leaned back, closing my eyes and relaxing completely for what seemed like the first time in forever.

I shuddered as he touched me. His lips grazing against my ear, down my neck and over my collar bone. My toes curling slightly as his hands ran down my sides then back up my torso, over my bare skin now.  He stood up a little as they wondered, moving so he was crawling over me now, causing me to lay back as he did. My hands found the sides of his face, gently pulling him up to me so I could kiss him, deeply and without hesitation this time. My hands slid up and over his back only to realize at some point he had lost his shirt. I trailed my nails slowly up his back, as his tongue grazed my lower lip, followed by his teeth, nipping and tugging on it lightly.

I coughed only to realize I was breathing in water. That’s not right. I sat up quickly, my eyes opening as I realized I was still in the bath. I coughed some more, clearing my throat and sitting upright until I was able to breathe again without coughing. I looked around trying to gather my surroundings, holy shit, I was still in the bathtub. I flicked the drain open with my toes, rubbing my eyes and yawning as the tub drained then reached for my towel and dried off, grabbing my robe off my door and tying it around me, shivering as I entered my room which was a nice 63 degrees with my air conditioner. I grabbed my phone and was surprised to see 5 missed calls and a couple text messages. I was even more shocked to see it was after 7 o’clock. I had fallen asleep and been in the tub for two hours. Hello pruned fingers and toes. I climbed onto my bed and looked through my phone. Not surprisingly, all the missed calls were from my dad, but I was a little shocked the texts had all been from Andrew. And admittedly I was a little sad to still have nothing from Cole. But what did that mean? Did I choose wrong? I pushed those thoughts of doubt away and somehow managed a smile as I lay down and opened the messages:

Andrew (6:07pm): Hi beautiful.

Andrew (6:53om): I missed you last night, hope everything is alright. I’m in town tonight again and would love to get together. Was going to make some dinner soon and watch a movie, I’d love the company?

I smiled, and texted him back (not right away of course, can’t seem too eager now):

 That sounds great to me. What time should I come? Anything I can bring?

I hopped off my bed and grabbed a pair of my favorite lazy shorts, (they were a bright blue and sweatpants material and super comfy and like $10 at old navy and I have them in multiple colors. They’re simply awesome), I tossed them on to my bed with a black V-neck and then searched through my dresser for a matching bra and thong, (girl, ya never know!). I settled on a light blue lacy bra with a matching color thong, simple but cute so I slid into it them then pulled my V-neck over my head and pulled my shorts up. I quickly did my hair, leaving it wavy and down, then threw on some light makeup, finishing just as my phone buzzed across the room.

Andrew (7:36 pm): Come whenever you’re ready. I’m thinking Chinese for dinner instead of cooking so I’ll just order when you get here.

Jess (7:40 pm): I’ll leave here soon, I’ll pick up drinks.

I brushed my teeth, tossing my toothbrush and toothpaste into a sandwich bag and putting them in my purse, (for after the Chinese you dirty minds), then let the dog out. Just before 8 I locked up and headed to the liquor store, picked up a 6 pack of Henry’s hard orange for myself and a 6 pack of IPA’s for Andrew. Before I knew it I was parked outside of the apartment, extremely nervous and a little excited. Tonight I could finally tell him I was not seeing Cole anymore. Tonight I could finally let him know it was him I picked and that I wanted to be with him. And suddenly I couldn’t wait.

A Bottle of Wine in the pm and Strong Coffee in the am Fixes Everything.

“Need. Coffee.” I heard Lauren groaning as I came into the kitchen around 6:30. I laughed hearing her, not expecting either of the girls to be awake when I snuck out for work.

After finishing our personal bottles and then dipping into a box of wine I had in the fridge, we had watched more scandal than should be allowed in one sitting and the girls passed out on my couches, leaving me to retreat to my room and curl up in my bed. And I was glad that for the first time in while my spinning mind didn’t keep me awake and staring at the ceiling. Finally I was able to lay my head on my pillow and drift into a deep sleep. And as much as I would have loved to feel refreshed from that when I woke up in the morning, the amount of wine consumed the night before and the early hour were not allowing for a great Monday morning feeling. But really, was there ever such thing as a great Monday morning feeling?

I washed my face and took Advil, then headed into the kitchen, where I found the girls laying on the couches looking as terrible as I felt. I laughed and turned on the coffee maker, “It will be ready soon!” I yell whispered (yes that’s a thing). I poured three large mugs of coffee, mine to go, and left the cream and sugar on the counter for them.

“I’m heading out to work, you guys can hang out here for the day if you want but I’m stuck at the café until four.” I called back to them as I made my way through the front door.

It's simply complicated.

Sometimes (most times) life gets in the way of the things we are most passionate about. For me, life got in the way of my writing.

I miss this blog. I miss my devoted readers. I know it was not really nice of me to just up and disappear. But, Jessica wants back, and she needs your support.
 
I would love to know how you all feel about the occasional post here and there, and that's just hoping that people even look at my blog or check back anymore and will see this!

 Hopefully I will be able to work up to a set schedule but I can not make promises right now.

"Our girlfriends are our soulmates..." -Sex in the City

I lay curled up on my couch with a half-eaten pint of Ben & Jerry’s and binge watching Scandal on Netflix. I wasn’t excepting to be this upset about ending things with Cole. I had even canceled my dinner plans with Andrew, and he was ultimately the one I chose. But he didn’t know that, and I didn’t want to be mourning the end of one relationship when I was starting to get into another.

As expected, not long after Cole had left Sky and Lauren were both blowing up the group chat wanting answers. Ah the downside to dating your best friends boyfriends roommate. And so I set my phone to silent before my ice cream and Netflix binge and here I was, alone with my two boys and President Fitz and his mistress. Watching Olivia’s struggle with being the other women as I once would commit to being should have probably changed my mind, but her and Fitz’s love just made me want to be with Andrew that much more. I must be sick in the head or something. Just as I was counting down the second for Netflix to automatically start another episode and keep me glued to my couch without even needing to get up and find the remote, I heard a knock on my door.

I laid back and closed my eyes, trying to ignore whoever was on the other side of the door. But the knocking kept coming, louder and louder and louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. “IM COMING!” I yelled, as I climbed off the couch and jogged to the door, swinging it open to find the girls each holding a bottle of wine. They pushed past me into the house before I could turn them away (not that I would of, I mean come on, they had wine!).

“Oooo Scandal,” Lauren said as she climbed on the couch, “and it looks like were just in time to save you from a sugar coma” she added, laughing as she picked up the almost empty carton of ice cream.

I couldn’t help but laugh and smile, which is exactly what I needed. But I knew I was about to get questioned by both of them and for that I was not prepared. I still didn’t know what to say about Andrew. But I knew I needed to at least tell them something about why I had ended things. I grabbed the ice cream and found the lid, returning it to my freezer (which by the way my dad left fully stocked along with my fridge!) I grabbed three wine glasses down from my cabinet but was interrupted as soon as I did, “Oh no you don’t!” Sky practically yelled, “Three bottles, one for each, no glasses needed. And were sleeping here tonight.” She said, smiling, “so just bring a wine opener and yourself back to the couch women!”

I laughed, rolling my eyes and grabbed my wine opener from the junk drawer, returning to my spot on the couch. “You guys didn’t have to come here, I am okay.” I assured them, as I tossed Sky the wine opener and got an opened bottle of white zinfandel back.

“We know you are ‘okay’,” Lauren said, rolling her eyes and using air quotes around the word okay. “But in the reality of things, we know you’re not, and we want details, hence the personal bottles of wine to get your to spill your guts.” She said winking and laughing as I took a big swig from the bottle, closing my eyes as I felt it slide smoothly down my throat. Ah the first sip is always the best. I mentally scolded myself, remembering I had to be up and at work at 7 tomorrow morning, but that thought was shoved aside with another gulp of wine.

“So, please tell me why Cole came home, interrupted me and Toms rendezvous on the couch, huffing and puffing all over the place and looking for a bottle of god only knows what…” Sky asked, looking across the room at me curiously.

Wow I guess we weren’t wasting any time with the details. I took a big chug of wine, contemplating what I was going to say. I knew I needed to keep Andrew a secret, but I needed to tell them. I needed to talk to someone.

“I ended it,” I said lightly, shrugging a little. “I couldn’t give myself to him 100%, so I just ended it.” I said carefully, trying to gauge their reactions.

“But why!” Lauren asked, “He seemed perfect, how could you not give all of yourself to someone. Who else is keeping your mind occupied?” she asked, her words fading out at the end, realizing the answer to the question as she asked it.

I nodded my head a little, answering the unasked question of whether or not it was Andrew. I couldn’t help but reach for the bottle again and take another large drink of it. I didn’t know how they were going to react. They knew he was married, and now they knew I was setting myself up to be his mistress.

Simultaneously the girl’s eyes practically bugged out of their heads as their mouth dropped opened. I couldn’t help but laugh, and instantly covered my mouth knowing it wasn’t the right time for that.

“But he’s, Andrew. Married. What!?” Sky rambled, trying to make sense of this all.

“Sky you cannot tell Tom. Please. I don’t want Cole to know who was behind all of this. I told him there was someone else but not who, and especially not that it was a married man. Please.” I pleaded, “I just told him I needed to figure things out with someone else before I could be involved with anyone. I know he won’t wait for me to figure my shit out, and I don’t expect him too, hell he didn’t even try to fight for me, he just walked away so maybe he doesn’t really even give a shit, but I just don’t want him finding out. And I promised Andrew I wouldn’t tell anyone about him and me, so I don’t want to regret telling you guys. Secret. Please.” I practically begged now. “Besides, I’m going to tell Andrew he needs to choose me or his wife, he can’t have both,” I added softly, not knowing how they would react to that little detail. It hadn’t hit me until I spoke the words that I was about to break up a family. Fuck.

“I won’t say anything,” Lauren said softly, looking over at me sympathetically, then looking to Sky waiting for her reassurance. I looked over at her as well, I knew I was putting her in a tough position because I was sure Tom was bound to ask what had happened, but I couldn’t have them knowing. I couldn’t risk potentially hurting Cole more.

“He does give a shit about you Jess. Cole, I mean. I haven’t seen up so disgruntled over a girl in a long time. But I won’t say anything. I promise. As long as you won’t see Andrew if he doesn’t leave his wife.” She added quickly.

“I promise,” I whispered nodding my head yes to assure her even more. “Thank you guys for coming over.”

“Oh please, we just needed a wine and scandal excuse!” Lauren exclaimed lightening up the mood, laughing as she held her bottle out, “cheers ladies!”

We all clinked bottles and drank more, getting comfortable and starting scandal back up a few episodes back so we could all be on the same page. I looked at both girls smiling as they intently watched the show, I may not have Cole, and after talking to Andrew I may not have him, but I had my girlfriends, and I was damn lucky for that.