The Words I Couldnt Say...

I climbed the stairs to his front door, white knuckling the 6 packs as a result of my nerves. I could almost feel my whole body shaking. What was wrong with me? I was so sure this was right but at the same time I know how wrong it is. What’s that famous saying though? The heart wants what I wants? Was my heart a “bad heart” for wanting someone who shouldn’t be wanting me back? How does someone justify wanting someone else’s husband? How does someone push those thoughts and feelings aside in order to be happy? But when I’m actually with Andrew those thoughts seem to just dissipate. What was I getting myself into? This is all just too crazy. And before I could process all these thoughts and figure out my shit in the 5 seconds it takes a person to climb someone’s front steps, Andrew was opening the door and reaching for the beer to take it from my hands.

“Well hurry inside, it’s about a million degrees out here and I’ve been missing you.” Andrew exclaimed, practically pulling me and the beer inside. I giggled at his excitement and the thoughts just faded away. I kicked the door shut behind me and followed him into the kitchen, opening the fridge so he could put the beer inside. As soon as the beer was out of his hands, they were on my face. His rough hands cupped my face softly as he pulled me up, kissing me quickly but hard before pulling back. I smiled and reached for him pulling his lips back to mind quickly, “Well hello there,” I said giggling and reaching behind him for a few beers.

“If I didn’t know better, I would think you were more excited to have henrys on your lips than me,” he said laughing and grabbing the bottle opener. “Let’s order dinner, is Chinese okay?”

“Perfect. Orange chicken?”

“How about that and some chicken lo mien, we can share.”

“Extra soy sauce and fortune cookies and you have a deal,” I said padding across the room to the couch as he dialed and ordered. 40 minute.

Leaving his phone in the kitchen he climbed over the couch landing beside me. “Now what shall we do while we wait?” he said smirking as his hand ran up and down my thigh.

I raised my eye brows and laughed, now was the perfect chance to tell him it was him. But I couldn’t bring myself to say the words I was longing to say and to admit that if he was going to be with me I wasn’t sure how I would feel with him being with his wife too. Suddenly all my lips could do was kiss his.

 

From bubbles to beers.

Work went by almost quicker than ever, especially for a humid August Monday morning. After the typical morning rush at 8 we only had about 20 customers the rest of the day. It was actually quite weird for a summer morning but I assumed the rain and humidity had something to do with it. Not that I’m complaining, this drought thing Connecticut has going on needs to be corrected before bon fire season and its already mid-August. Fall and fire nights are coming! I got home around 4:15 and was a little relieved to find an empty house. I didn’t mind the girls hanging out there all day but after the emotional rollercoaster I had been on the last 36 hours all I really wanted was peace and quiet for a little.

 I cleaned up the dishes and things in the kitchen then went to my room and dug out a bottle of philosophy pomegranate bubble bath I still had from Christmas the year before. It was around 5, I ran the hot water, squeezed a little more of the soap than needed into the tub, and undressed while the tub filled up. I lit a few candles and turned my bathroom lights down a little, climbing into the tub and sinking down so all but my head disappeared under the water and bubbles. After a few minutes I was accustomed to the hot water and leaned back, closing my eyes and relaxing completely for what seemed like the first time in forever.

I shuddered as he touched me. His lips grazing against my ear, down my neck and over my collar bone. My toes curling slightly as his hands ran down my sides then back up my torso, over my bare skin now.  He stood up a little as they wondered, moving so he was crawling over me now, causing me to lay back as he did. My hands found the sides of his face, gently pulling him up to me so I could kiss him, deeply and without hesitation this time. My hands slid up and over his back only to realize at some point he had lost his shirt. I trailed my nails slowly up his back, as his tongue grazed my lower lip, followed by his teeth, nipping and tugging on it lightly.

I coughed only to realize I was breathing in water. That’s not right. I sat up quickly, my eyes opening as I realized I was still in the bath. I coughed some more, clearing my throat and sitting upright until I was able to breathe again without coughing. I looked around trying to gather my surroundings, holy shit, I was still in the bathtub. I flicked the drain open with my toes, rubbing my eyes and yawning as the tub drained then reached for my towel and dried off, grabbing my robe off my door and tying it around me, shivering as I entered my room which was a nice 63 degrees with my air conditioner. I grabbed my phone and was surprised to see 5 missed calls and a couple text messages. I was even more shocked to see it was after 7 o’clock. I had fallen asleep and been in the tub for two hours. Hello pruned fingers and toes. I climbed onto my bed and looked through my phone. Not surprisingly, all the missed calls were from my dad, but I was a little shocked the texts had all been from Andrew. And admittedly I was a little sad to still have nothing from Cole. But what did that mean? Did I choose wrong? I pushed those thoughts of doubt away and somehow managed a smile as I lay down and opened the messages:

Andrew (6:07pm): Hi beautiful.

Andrew (6:53om): I missed you last night, hope everything is alright. I’m in town tonight again and would love to get together. Was going to make some dinner soon and watch a movie, I’d love the company?

I smiled, and texted him back (not right away of course, can’t seem too eager now):

 That sounds great to me. What time should I come? Anything I can bring?

I hopped off my bed and grabbed a pair of my favorite lazy shorts, (they were a bright blue and sweatpants material and super comfy and like $10 at old navy and I have them in multiple colors. They’re simply awesome), I tossed them on to my bed with a black V-neck and then searched through my dresser for a matching bra and thong, (girl, ya never know!). I settled on a light blue lacy bra with a matching color thong, simple but cute so I slid into it them then pulled my V-neck over my head and pulled my shorts up. I quickly did my hair, leaving it wavy and down, then threw on some light makeup, finishing just as my phone buzzed across the room.

Andrew (7:36 pm): Come whenever you’re ready. I’m thinking Chinese for dinner instead of cooking so I’ll just order when you get here.

Jess (7:40 pm): I’ll leave here soon, I’ll pick up drinks.

I brushed my teeth, tossing my toothbrush and toothpaste into a sandwich bag and putting them in my purse, (for after the Chinese you dirty minds), then let the dog out. Just before 8 I locked up and headed to the liquor store, picked up a 6 pack of Henry’s hard orange for myself and a 6 pack of IPA’s for Andrew. Before I knew it I was parked outside of the apartment, extremely nervous and a little excited. Tonight I could finally tell him I was not seeing Cole anymore. Tonight I could finally let him know it was him I picked and that I wanted to be with him. And suddenly I couldn’t wait.