Monday, August 11, 2014

"Our girlfriends are our soulmates..." -Sex in the City

I lay curled up on my couch with a half-eaten pint of Ben & Jerry’s and binge watching Scandal on Netflix. I wasn’t excepting to be this upset about ending things with Cole. I had even canceled my dinner plans with Andrew, and he was ultimately the one I chose. But he didn’t know that, and I didn’t want to be mourning the end of one relationship when I was starting to get into another.

As expected, not long after Cole had left Sky and Lauren were both blowing up the group chat wanting answers. Ah the downside to dating your best friends boyfriends roommate. And so I set my phone to silent before my ice cream and Netflix binge and here I was, alone with my two boys and President Fitz and his mistress. Watching Olivia’s struggle with being the other women as I once would commit to being should have probably changed my mind, but her and Fitz’s love just made me want to be with Andrew that much more. I must be sick in the head or something. Just as I was counting down the second for Netflix to automatically start another episode and keep me glued to my couch without even needing to get up and find the remote, I heard a knock on my door.

I laid back and closed my eyes, trying to ignore whoever was on the other side of the door. But the knocking kept coming, louder and louder and louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. “IM COMING!” I yelled, as I climbed off the couch and jogged to the door, swinging it open to find the girls each holding a bottle of wine. They pushed past me into the house before I could turn them away (not that I would of, I mean come on, they had wine!).

“Oooo Scandal,” Lauren said as she climbed on the couch, “and it looks like were just in time to save you from a sugar coma” she added, laughing as she picked up the almost empty carton of ice cream.

I couldn’t help but laugh and smile, which is exactly what I needed. But I knew I was about to get questioned by both of them and for that I was not prepared. I still didn’t know what to say about Andrew. But I knew I needed to at least tell them something about why I had ended things. I grabbed the ice cream and found the lid, returning it to my freezer (which by the way my dad left fully stocked along with my fridge!) I grabbed three wine glasses down from my cabinet but was interrupted as soon as I did, “Oh no you don’t!” Sky practically yelled, “Three bottles, one for each, no glasses needed. And were sleeping here tonight.” She said, smiling, “so just bring a wine opener and yourself back to the couch women!”

I laughed, rolling my eyes and grabbed my wine opener from the junk drawer, returning to my spot on the couch. “You guys didn’t have to come here, I am okay.” I assured them, as I tossed Sky the wine opener and got an opened bottle of white zinfandel back.

“We know you are ‘okay’,” Lauren said, rolling her eyes and using air quotes around the word okay. “But in the reality of things, we know you’re not, and we want details, hence the personal bottles of wine to get your to spill your guts.” She said winking and laughing as I took a big swig from the bottle, closing my eyes as I felt it slide smoothly down my throat. Ah the first sip is always the best. I mentally scolded myself, remembering I had to be up and at work at 7 tomorrow morning, but that thought was shoved aside with another gulp of wine.

“So, please tell me why Cole came home, interrupted me and Toms rendezvous on the couch, huffing and puffing all over the place and looking for a bottle of god only knows what…” Sky asked, looking across the room at me curiously.

Wow I guess we weren’t wasting any time with the details. I took a big chug of wine, contemplating what I was going to say. I knew I needed to keep Andrew a secret, but I needed to tell them. I needed to talk to someone.

“I ended it,” I said lightly, shrugging a little. “I couldn’t give myself to him 100%, so I just ended it.” I said carefully, trying to gauge their reactions.

“But why!” Lauren asked, “He seemed perfect, how could you not give all of yourself to someone. Who else is keeping your mind occupied?” she asked, her words fading out at the end, realizing the answer to the question as she asked it.

I nodded my head a little, answering the unasked question of whether or not it was Andrew. I couldn’t help but reach for the bottle again and take another large drink of it. I didn’t know how they were going to react. They knew he was married, and now they knew I was setting myself up to be his mistress.

Simultaneously the girl’s eyes practically bugged out of their heads as their mouth dropped opened. I couldn’t help but laugh, and instantly covered my mouth knowing it wasn’t the right time for that.

“But he’s, Andrew. Married. What!?” Sky rambled, trying to make sense of this all.

“Sky you cannot tell Tom. Please. I don’t want Cole to know who was behind all of this. I told him there was someone else but not who, and especially not that it was a married man. Please.” I pleaded, “I just told him I needed to figure things out with someone else before I could be involved with anyone. I know he won’t wait for me to figure my shit out, and I don’t expect him too, hell he didn’t even try to fight for me, he just walked away so maybe he doesn’t really even give a shit, but I just don’t want him finding out. And I promised Andrew I wouldn’t tell anyone about him and me, so I don’t want to regret telling you guys. Secret. Please.” I practically begged now. “Besides, I’m going to tell Andrew he needs to choose me or his wife, he can’t have both,” I added softly, not knowing how they would react to that little detail. It hadn’t hit me until I spoke the words that I was about to break up a family. Fuck.

“I won’t say anything,” Lauren said softly, looking over at me sympathetically, then looking to Sky waiting for her reassurance. I looked over at her as well, I knew I was putting her in a tough position because I was sure Tom was bound to ask what had happened, but I couldn’t have them knowing. I couldn’t risk potentially hurting Cole more.

“He does give a shit about you Jess. Cole, I mean. I haven’t seen up so disgruntled over a girl in a long time. But I won’t say anything. I promise. As long as you won’t see Andrew if he doesn’t leave his wife.” She added quickly.

“I promise,” I whispered nodding my head yes to assure her even more. “Thank you guys for coming over.”

“Oh please, we just needed a wine and scandal excuse!” Lauren exclaimed lightening up the mood, laughing as she held her bottle out, “cheers ladies!”

We all clinked bottles and drank more, getting comfortable and starting scandal back up a few episodes back so we could all be on the same page. I looked at both girls smiling as they intently watched the show, I may not have Cole, and after talking to Andrew I may not have him, but I had my girlfriends, and I was damn lucky for that. 


Monday, August 4, 2014

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that i cant keep loving you...

I sat nervously on my back deck, watching as locals and summer renters walked up and down the beach at the water’s edge, a few people were swimming around out there. I had texted Cole back a few minutes after he answered me this morning and asked him to come over around three. It was now 3:07 and my mouth was dry, my mind racing. How could I find the right words to say to him? What was I going to start with? Or end with? I was not ready for this. Just as I was about to grab my phone, chicken out and cancel I heard his voice.

“Jess...” he said loudly enough for me to hear as he walked around the side of the house from the driveway and climbed up onto the deck.

“Hey,” I said softly. I couldn’t help but smile seeing him, and he looked so good in the gym shorts and tank top he was wearing. It was obvious he had just come from the gym. “How are you?” I asked as he chose the seat across from me and settled down.

He laughed a little, running his fingers through his hair, “I would be better if I knew what was going on to be honest.” He said smiling halfheartedly.

I nodded, understanding. I knew I looked stressed about the conversation, and I’m sure it wasn’t hard for him to figure out this conversation was bound to be a bad one.

“So,” I said, stopping there and closing my eyes, running my hands over my face. I was not prepared for this, and it hurt me more knowing how hard this was for me, because it was obvious it did care about him. But I cared too much about him. And I cared enough to not want to hurt him. That’s why this had to be done. “I don’t really know what to say here, other than I can’t see you anymore.” I said softly, looking up to see a confused look on his face. “And I know we never were officially dating, so I guess this isn’t like a break up or anything, but I needed to tell you rather than just remove myself from your life without an explanation.” I added, opening my mouth to speak again so he’d stay quiet and just let me finish. “Maybe you never even saw this going anywhere, so this won’t mean anything to you and this will be like me letting you off the hook, I don’t even know,” I added, saddened by the truth of it all. I didn’t know where we stood or really how he felt about me. I paused, thinking about what to say next, knowing I had to stay on track here. “There is someone else.” I said sadly. “It’s complicated. I don’t know if he and I will even work out, but I need to figure things out there before I can move on or be with anyone else.” I said softly, “and that’s why I need to end this with you. Because I can see whatever this was between us going a long way and becoming something strong. But I can’t do that with this other person lingering around in my mind. It’s not fair to either of us if my head and heart can’t be 100% with one person. It’s selfish for me to want you to wait for me to figure my shit out, so I’m not going to ask you too. But I hope we can still be at least friends for now.” I hated myself after saying that word, ‘friends’. That was like a punch in the gut and I knew it, because the same line had been fed to me many times before.

I opened my mouth once more but this time nothing came out. I had nothing left to say, and my stomach was in knots as I sat across from Cole trying to avoid eye contact. After what felt like an eternity I peered up to find Cole’s eyes burning into me. His face was blank, completely stone, leaving it hard for me to read what was going on in his mind.

“Cole?” I whispered, needing some sort of reaction from him.

“Dammit Jessica,” he growled through gritted teeth as he stood up. I bit my lower lip nervously, looking up at him, expecting the wrath to come. But then to my surprise his face relaxed. His eyes softened and he headed to the stairs that lead toward the driveway. “Goodbye.” Was all I could hear him say as he looked back at me then turned the corner.

As soon as he disappeared I broke down, crying hard for myself and for him. I knew I hurt him and I was scared that I had just made the worst decision of my life. I needed to figure things out with Andrew, but was it selfish of me to be a little hurt Cole didn’t even try fighting for me?

Maybe he wasn’t too serious about us after all.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Time to put on my big girl panties....

“So what do you think I should do?” I asked, wiping a tear off my face.

It was just after lunch and my brothers where playing in the water with Cay, leaving me and my dad on the beach alone. I filled him in on my situation, knowing he would be disappointed in the married man detail but also knowing he would give me the best advice as to what to do.

“Jessica,” he said, and I could hear the undertone of disappointment in his voice. He opened his mouth to talk again, closing it right after. I grabbed my beer off the top of the cooler and took a sip, trying to judge what he was about to say. “I don’t approve of the married thing. With that being said I know you are an adult and you’re going to make your own decisions. While I wish I could ban you from seeing him, I know that wouldn’t stop you, so I am not sure what to say. I don’t want to encourage you to be with someone that would tear apart a family if kept secret, however I can tell he’s the one you want.” He said sighing “Just the way you talked about him, I can tell he’s the one you would rather be with at the end of the day. With that being said, you clearly have feelings for Cole too. You just light up in different ways when you speak of both of them, and the light in your eyes when you spoke of Andrew just shone a little brighter. You seemed really interested in both guys, but you need to pick one Jessica, or you’re going to ruin one family and hurt someone who you seem to care about as well. You really have gotten yourself into a tough situation here.”

I half smiled, knowing then what I had to do. “Thanks Dad,” was all I could manage to say, leaning over and giving him a big hug.

I stood up from my chair, reaching my hand out to help him up, “let’s go swim,” I said smiling, knowing I could deal with the guys tomorrow, but right now I needed to spend time with my family before they had to leave in the morning.

My dad stood, wrapping his arm around me closely and kissing me on top of the head, “no matter who you chose, he better treat you right, and you better be happy.” He said smiling, then left me with that thought as he started to jog into the water splashing Michaela.


I washed, then rewashed my body, repeating the same gesture with my hair, giving me another excuse to stand in the hot shower and avoid my phone a little longer. My dad, brothers, Michaela and Annie left about 40 minutes prior. After saying our final goodbyes, and some embarrassing and unnecessary tears on my part, I found myself alone in my house once again. It had been awhile since it was just Daisy and I, and I had a strong feeling that after my conversations with the guys the loneliness wasn’t going to subside. Putting it off a little longer I cleaned the house quickly, getting everything back in order and now here I was, standing under the hot water just waiting for it to run out and force me out of the shower, just so I could steer clear of texting the guys a little longer. Wow, I got myself into this sticky situation and now I was becoming such a pussy.

After a few minutes the hot water started to fade into a luke warm feel until it eventually was raining ice down over my body. I turned it off and climbed out, wrapping my robe around me and padding into my bedroom, where the dreaded phone awaited. I don’t know why I was making such a deal of this, I mean asking each of them to talk is the easy part, what I really needed to be worried about was what I was going to say once that point in time finally came, and I couldn’t even get myself to put the whole process in motion. 

After practically pacing a hole in my carpet I sat down on the edge of my bed and picked up my phone, texting Cole and Andrew both the same thing:

                      I have to talk to you about something. Can we meet up some time soon?

After pressing send with shaky fingers I tossed my phone onto the other side of my bed and decided I needed to distract myself with my hair and makeup for a while. And that’s exactly what I did for about twelve minutes (no I wasn’t counting……..) until my phone buzzed with a reply. And like the typical girl I try not to be, I practically broke my hip and fractured my skull diving across my room and onto my bed to see who it was.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

No decisions before coffee....or pancakes!

“Auntie J, auntie J, auntie J, auntie J,” I squinted as each call of my name got louder and louder. I rolled over once the noise disappeared, only to have a three year old launching herself onto my bed and on top of me a few minutes later, laughing harder than ever. I couldn’t help by smile and laugh when she was. I grabbed her and rolled over, pulling her over with me and tickling her as she squirmed and shrieked. Finally I stopped, plopping back down on the bed as she snuggled up against me.

“Good morning munchkin,” I whispered kissing the top of her head.

“Grandpa is making pancakes,” she exclaimed loudly, “Daddy told me to come wake you up to eat with me!”
I sighed. Of course he did. I sat up, pulling her over me and setting her back down on the floor as I swung my legs around and hung them off the bed, running my fingers through my hair and pulling it back, clipping it up with a clip I left on my night stand. “I’m going to wash up then I’ll be down, save me a seat next to you?”

“OKAY!” she practically screamed, making my ears ring, before turning and running out of my room and down the stairs.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Damn I was lucky I wasn’t hung-over. What even happened last night? I pushed myself up off the bed and walked into my bathroom, washing my face as bits and pieces of being with Andrew filled my mind. I wish I was sober. Probably would have been a better idea for that conversation. I made a mental note to text him and have an actual sober serious conversation in the near future. After sleeping on it I knew it had to be me or his wife. I couldn't handle both, and I definitely couldn't handle having Cole and Andrew. But who was I going to pick? I pondered the thought as I dried off my face and pulled my hair up into a messy bun then padded down the stairs and into the kitchen.

I stood in the doorway, breathing in the amazing smells of bacon, sausage, and pancakes. I smiled, seeing my dad move throughout the kitchen without hesitation, Michaela sitting up at the counter watching while the boys and Annie sat out on the back deck drinking what I assumed to be coffee. I couldn’t help but smile seeing us all together again, especially at how happy everyone looked. I was a little sad thinking about them leaving in just 24 hours, but I was glad we were having a family day today.

“Good morning Dad,” I said, walking into the kitchen and joining my dad and Cay. “Did you sleep alright?”

“Good morning sweetheart, I did, thank you. That guest room is really nice.” He said smiling and kissed my cheek then went back to flipping the pancakes he had cooking.

“I’m glad you like it, I just finished decorating it last week,” I said laughing when he rolled his eyes. He, if anyone, knows how much of procrastinator I am. “Smells really good in here,” I said as I poured myself a large cup of coffee, adding too much cream and sugar than was good for me. I climbed up on the stool at the counter next to Cay, just as my dad slid two plates of food across the counter to us. I buttered and cut Cays pancakes, pouring syrup all over them then did the same to mine, stuffing my face. It had been a long time since I had a home cooked meal.

I excused myself quickly and went to my room to grab my phone. I wanted to frown upon seeing no texts from Andrew, but I couldn’t help but smile from the cute good morning texts from Cole. Could I really even begin to screw over this amazing guy? I took a deep breath and I finally knew what I had to do. I needed to talk to the guys, and I knew exactly who my first conversation was going to be with.


Having your cake and eating it too. NOT so easy

I stared out the front window, trying not to stare at him, and trying not to break down just being around him. The butterflies in my stomach were going insane. I opened my mouth to speak and just as I did Andrews voice filled the car. I sighed relieved, listening to what he had to say. “Jess I know we need to talk,” he started, his voice coming out in a whisper. “Before we figure out how to move on with us, I need to apologize. I know what I did was wrong. I should have told you right away. My intentions were never to hurt you, I promise that was the very last thing I wanted.” He said, looking over at me sincerely as he waited for a traffic light to turn to green. He continued on talking and driving, “I did not have my wedding ring on the day I met you, because I never wear it when I work out. Then I left it off because I didn’t want to scare you away before you got to know me….” He said sighing, “Jess, no one has ever looked at me the way you did in that café that morning, that was a feeling I was greedy to feel again, and I knew telling you I was married was going to blow all my shots.”

He looked over at me for some sort of reaction, so I nodded my head agreeing. Him and I both knew I never would have agreed to hang out with him had I known. “Now is where it gets complicated.” He said as he pulled into a parking spot at the deserted beach. “I don’t want to leave my family. Leaving my wife means losing my family, my children, my home. But just as much as I don’t want to lose them, I don’t want to lose you either. If we give up on whatever was going on with us then I’ll have to live with the what if feeling for the rest of my life. I want to know where things go with you. If it comes down to leaving my family in the end, then maybe it does. But right now I need you to know losing my family and losing you both aren’t in the cards. It is greedy, I know. But I want both. I need both.” He whispered. Stopping and turning to face me in the car. I turned to look at him, just staring blankly over at him. I had no idea what to say. My mind was racing, my heart was beating out of my chest and the butterflies in my stomach were making me nauseous.

When he realized I was frozen and speechless, he spoke again. “Don’t be mad, but I saw you the other day with that boy. The one who walked you home that night I was waiting for you,” he said trying to catch my eyes with his. I bit my lip, nervously staying quiet hoping he wasn’t waiting for an answer. “I know me being married is different then you dating, but how is me being here with you behind my wife’s back any different than you being here with me because his back?” he continued on.

I sighed, he had a point. Granted, it wasn’t the same as cheating on a spouse, but it was the same in simpler terms. I closed my eyes, my fingers running up my face and through my hair. Finally I opened my mouth to talk. “You’re right.” I whispered. I knew he was. He knew he was. I was doing to Cole what he was doing to his wife. And as fucked up as is seemed, losing him and Cole both were not in the cards for me either. I wanted my cake. And I wanted to eat my cake. God only knows if that was going to be possible but I needed to try. I too can’t live with the what if. “I don’t want to give up.” I said finally. “Just being here with you, the way I feel around you right now, that’s enough proof that I need to stay and figure things out with you.” I said, “But I don’t want to be that girl.” I said boldly. “No one can know Andrew. I don’t want to be the mistress, and I don’t want to be the cheater. Cole and I are just starting to get to know each other. I can’t ruin that.” I said softly, I felt guilty mentioning Cole, but if we were going to do this we had to be honest with each other. “I know having you, and Cole, is wrong, but I want something with him that I can’t have with you. At the same time in not sure I’m ready to lose you either. Only time will tell, so until then, I guess we can continue whatever this is…”

I finally looked up, my eyes meeting his and couldn’t help but smile at the relieved look on his face. I reached over and placed my hand on his thigh, “sorry for being mean at the bar.” I said.

“I deserved it,” he said laughing as he leaned in a little closer. I smiled, my eyes flickering from his lips to his eyes. I wanted him to kiss me. I didn’t even realize how much I had missed him until I got him back and realized what I haven’t had.

“Kiss me,” I whispered, giggling a little.

“I’ve been dying to all night,” he whispered quickly as he leaned in and kissed me hard, his lips hungrily crushing down on mine, making up for lost time.

I squirmed in my seat a little, moving myself to get closer to him. Before I knew it his arms were around me and he was pulling me over the center council and into his lap. I laughed, wiggling up against him to get comfortable as he moved the seat back as far as he could from the steering wheel. As the seat slowly made its way backwards I leaned down and kissed his neck lightly, sucking teasingly on it as I felt both his hands on my hips again, his fingers digging into me a little as he gripped onto me, grinding up against me. I moaned against his neck softly, feeling how hard he was through his jeans.

My hands snaked down, slipping under his shirt and running over his stomach and chest, his muscles twitching under my soft caress. I gripped onto his t-shirt, trying to wiggle it up when he stopped me, looking up at me with a serious face.

“What,” I asked, my breathing matching his.

“I don’t want it to be like this the first time I have my way with you,” he muttered through gritted teeth, sending shivers down my spine.

I pouted looking down at him. “Fine,” I groaned, realizing he wasn’t going to change his mind. I reluctantly climbed back into my seat, a little annoyed but trying to let it go. He reached for my hand, holding it as he readjusted his seat and pulled away from the beach lot.

Ten minutes and a silent car ride later we were back in front of my house. I reached for the door handle, ready to just get out and get in bed. I was seriously annoyed. I forgave and practically threw myself at Andrew,  risking everything with Cole only to be denied. What the hell was that about. Just as I pulled on the handle he locked the doors, trapping me in. I looked back at him over my shoulder, “please, I just want to go to bed.” I whispered, almost begging him.

“Not until you smile and promise me you’re not mad,” he said smirking when I rolled my eyes. “Jess I want this. I really do. But I want it to be different with you. I want to show you that you’re not just sex.”

I smiled a half smile, “I’m fine,” I whispered, laughing a little when he unlocked the door.

“Soon baby, soon,” he whispered winking as I shut the door and he drove away.

I snuck into my house, finally climbing into bed. I relaxed back against my pillows and before I knew it tears began flowing down my face, and I couldn’t stop them. I was already stressed out and on top of that I was confused as hell right now. What had I just agreed to? The one thing I needed was a vent sesh with my girlfriends and I couldn’t even do that because Andrew had to remain completely a secret.

Damn, this was going to be harder than I thought.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The power of vodka and loneliness.

“Let go of me,” I hissed, realizing the words came out much harsher then intended by the look on Andrews face as his arm pulled away from me quickly. I glanced over at our table, seeing Tom watching us from across the room. Shit. “I have to go,” I whispered.

“Jess, please…” he begged desperately, and I could smell a hint of whiskey on his breath. “I’m here with guys from work, but please see me later?” he suggested.

I looked back, Tom still watching, and knew I had to walk away from this soon, pretty sure Cole was bound to find out if this went on longer. “I’m here with my brothers, I’m not sure I can.” I said shrugging, frowning a little. This past week was great with Cole, but my heart was racing standing here with Andrew. “I’ll text you,” I said, smiling a little as I turned and walked away, not looking back.

I slid into the table across from Tom and Lauren, taking a sip from my drink, I could feel Tom’s stare burning into me. The last thing I needed was drama with Coles best friend, and my best friends boyfriend, but things were definitely about to get sticky, if I didn’t make up my mind soon. Before I knew it I was downing my fourth drink, and reaching for whatever shots were walking past our table. I was completely tuned out of all conversation around me at the table and completely tuned into vodka, vodka, and more vodka.

God only knows how much time went by but eventually my brother was tucking me into my bed after carrying me to the car and into the house. I laughed being dropped on the bed, saying goodnight and fished my phone out of my back pocket. I dialed Andrew’s number and sat up in my bed, leaning against the wall, waiting for his answer.

“Hello...” damn his voice sounded sexy.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Jess,” he sounded surprised, and cleared his throat immediately, “are you okay?”

“Yea, I’m uh fine,” I said, giggling a little, “drunk, and lonely.” I whispered, “And we need to talk, right?”

I could hear him moving around in bed, “I’ll come and get you. We can go for a drive.”

I smiled, butterflies filling my stomach instantly, “I’ll wait outside,” I whispered then hung up and leapt out of bed to change. I pulled on a pair of leggings and a loose t-shirt. Ten minutes later I crept down stairs and tip toed out the door. Sneaking out of my own house? Who would have thought?

I few minutes later I saw lights coming down the road and made my way to the end of the driveway, giving a little half wave as he pulled up. Tonight he was in the jeep, and looked extra sexy sitting up in the driver’s seat when I opened the door. His hair still a bit crazy from his pillows, his face scruffy. Damn I had missed him. I climbed up in the car, suddenly extremely nervous and avoiding eye contact as I buckled my seat.

He started to pull away from the curb, stopping and reaching over, running his knuckles down the side of my face, his hand cupping my cheek and turning my face towards him. His thumb running over my chapped lips as he spoke. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, then turned back to the road and pulled down the street. 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Reunions Of All Sorts...

I turned around upon hearing the café door chime open, smiling from ear to ear when my older brother, Joe, my niece, Michaela, and my dad all walked inside. “HI guys!” I exclaimed, rather loudly and excitedly as I practically ran over to them, hugging my dad and brother tightly then scooping my niece into my arms. I felt myself relax instantly the moment her little arms wrapped around me. Damn, I missed them.

“Hi auntie J,” Michaela, (or Cay, as I like to call her) mumbled as she snuggled against me, still hugging me tightly. She leaned back and kissed me quickly, giggling when she pulled back and looked down at me.

“What’s so funny munchkin?” I asked, tickling her a little.

“I got lipstick on your lips,” she said, laughing harder now, making me smile and laugh along too.

“And what are you doing with lipstick on?” I asked, looking at her puzzled, trying not to laugh.

She closed her eyes, smiling, “and eye shadow!” she stated proudly.

“Well I think you look beautiful, you might have to do my makeup for me when we get home.” I said as I put her down, walking over and hugging my dad once more, this time a little longer, then kissing his cheek, “I missed you,” I whispered, looking seriously up at him. Damn he was a lot thinner then I remembered. Tanner too. But then again he was always out working on the boats and dock this time of year so I should have suspected it.

“Oh jess, I miss you too sweetheart,” he said smiling and pulled me in for another hug. Before I moved my dad and I were always close, and I know me moving away killed him a little. I hated that, but I needed to grow up on my own a little, and I needed to shed the typical “daddy’s girl” image I had in high school and college.

“Alright, we know you’re the favorite but let’s not make it too obvious,” my brother said, laughing when I glared at him.

“Jessica!” I heard, Maureen calling from the kitchen. Luckily the café was pretty dead today.

“Maureen, my dad and brother just got here!” I called back. Maureen was probably relieved to hear that too. I hadn’t stopped rambling and talking about my family coming down all day, which I’m sure was obnoxious, but I couldn’t help it! I was excited.

Maureen came around from the back, introducing herself to my dad and brother, making small talk while I went behind the counter and finished cleaning the coffee machine. Grabbing a cookie for Cay. “Jess why don’t you take the afternoon off. I was thinking about closing anyways.” Maureen said, turning around to face me. I opened my mouth to protest, “don’t try and say no, you’re off the clock,” Maureen added smiling, “have a nice weekend off with your family, and I will see you next week.” She said smiling.

“Thank you so much!” I said, hugging her quickly then gathering my things. I waved goodbye and made my way outside, joining my dad and brother who were already waiting a table outside while Cay ate her cookie. “Ready guys?” I asked laughing when I saw chocolate all over Cay’s face.

The four of us made our way down the street towards home. Cay singing Let It Go the whole time. I laughed as she twirled back and forth, walking ahead of us. My dad closely behind her to making sure no cars where pulling out of driveways.

“How have you been?” I asked Joe, looking up at him curiously. Right before I moved, he and Cay’s mom had gone through a nasty break up, but she was starting to become the kind of women Joe did not want around his baby girl, and I commend him on that decision. Not to mention I never was a fan of the girl he knocked up after a few dates, but I was thankful we had Cay as a result of his drunken stupidity.

“I’m good, things are good.” He said smiling genuinely. “Kristin stopped coming around a few weeks ago, I haven’t heard from her since.” He said shrugging, “To be honest, I like it that way. I know she should be able to see her daughter, but Kristin is bad news, so the less I hear from her or have to deal with custody crap, the better off.” He said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me into him laughing, “what about you little sis, how’s the dating game in Connecticut? Jake told me there was a motorcycle man lingering in your kitchen the other morning,” he said smirking, and raising his eye brow as he looked down at me.

I rolled my eyes, making a mental note to kill Jake when we got home. “Of course he did, Jake has the biggest mouth ever.”

“Don’t change the subject J, are you secretly dating someone new?”

“It’s not a secret, and were not officially dating. We just started hanging out this past week!”

“And he already slept over Jessica Rose!” he said in a scolding voice.

I laughed, ahh the over protective brother syndrome. “Nothing happened, he just fell asleep here and I didn’t want to wake him when I went to work.” I said shrugging like it was no big deal. “I was going to tell you guys about him, and eventually introduce him, but not this soon. Him and I aren’t even technically together, were just starting out and getting to know each other. I need to get a feel for things before I let you guys at him.” I added just as we were heading up the drive way. I smiled hearing daisy barking and Cay cracking up on the other side of the door. I missed the sound of her laugh filling the house.


“So dad, do you think you could keep an eye on Cay tonight, while the four of us go grab a drink?” Joe asked, while we were all sat at the table for dinner.

“Yea dad that would be awesome!” Jake added, taking a bite of his steak as he did.

Another plus to having my dad around! Not only was he was an amazing cook and stocked my fridge up, but he was also a free babysitter when needed. I cut into my steak and vegetables, talking to Cay to keep her distracted from the conversation, knowing she would have a meltdown if she knew we were planning on going out tonight.

“Yea that’s no problem, I’m tired from the drive anyways so I’ll get her into bed then probably sleep myself.” He said smiling, “You guys have a good time.” I frowned a little, my dad was never one to be in bed early or to willingly stay home doing nothing. Something wasn’t right. Just as I started to worry and was about to open my mouth to say something cay flung a carrot across the table and brought everyone’s attention to her as she started cracking up.

“I’ll text my friends and let them know about tonight, maybe they’ll come out too.” I mentioned, after the laughter died down and everyone was back to stuffing their faces.

“Pretty friends I hope,” Joe said laughing at me when I rolled my eyes. I know he’s just teasing but if all my brothers’ friends were off limit, why weren’t mine. Talk about unfair! I cleared my plate from the table and grabbed my phone texting the group.

My brothers are in town for the weekend. Bar crawl downtown? Come! Can meet up at my house around 930 and then head down! I miss you girls!

It had only been a week since I had last seen the girls, partially because I was busy with work and Cole, but I had missed them. I couldn’t wait to fill them in on Cole tonight! Almost instantly I got a reply from Sky and Lauren.

              Lauren: I will be there! See you then J

Sky: Me and Tom will meet you guys down at the bar! Citrus first?

I had to admit, Tom coming out made me feel a little sad that Cole couldn’t, seeing that they were close. But I was looking forward to a night out with my brothers and girlfriends so I couldn’t wait either way.

                Me: Citrus is perfect to start, see you there Sky. Lauren I’ll see you here in a little bit.

I helped clean off the table with Jake and Annie as Joe washed up Cay for bed, then rushed off to change around 8. I showered and changed into tight pink jeans with a black strapless tube top tucked in (if you couldn’t already tell I owned about a million black tube tops and practically only wore those). I slipped into black wedges and curled my hair big, putting on a little extra eye makeup. Around nine I headed downstairs and sat with my dad until Lauren showed up. After introducing her to my dad, the five of us headed out to my car. Luckily we had Annie, who couldn’t drink but served as a very reliable designated driver! I showed her where to go and a few minutes later we were squeezing into a bar down town, Citrus.

“I'll get us drinks, you guys find a table!” Joe yelled, as he and Jake made their way to the bar. Lauren, Annie and I made our way through the bar until we luckily found a table with six chairs. One less then needed but it was as good as it was going to get tonight. After sitting down I scanned the bar, waving when Sky and Tom walked in. I smiled, wishing Cole was there as they took their seats at the table.

“Tom, this is Lauren, Jess, and….”

“Annie,” I added, forgetting they hadn’t met yet, and introducing her to everyone. “Nice to see you again,” I added smiling.

“Ahhh the reason my roommate has been missing,” he said laughing. “I’m sure he will be jealous when he finds out I was with you tonight!” he shouted over the music.

I blushed and shrugged, laughing along with him.

A few minutes later Joe and Jake carried our drinks to the table setting them down, and taking seats. Annie sitting on Jakes lap so everyone was able to sit.

After a few drinks we decided to make our way down the street a little to another bar to get drinks and appetizers, hopeful that it wouldn’t be as crowded since it was more of a restaurant type scene. After getting a table and ordering I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I pushed through the crowd, finally making my way to the single stall bathroom line which seemed to be taking forever. After seriously considering ducking into the men’s bathroom it was finally my turn. After holding my breath (public bathrooms…EW) and peeing, I washed my hands and pulled the door open, looking down to fix my shirt that was tucked in twisted. Just as was finished fixing it I bumped into someone and started to trip. The hand that wrapped around my back to steady me felt familiar and I gulped as I looked up, knowing my cheeks were already bright red.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, my eyes locked with Andrew’s.





Thursday, May 15, 2014

Ahhh The 'B' Word

I woke up and rolled over to find Cole still in my bed. I smiled and slid over under the sheets to snuggle against him a little. My room was freezing from my ac, which read 62 degrees (did I mention I like sleeping in basically Antarctica) even though it felt like 33 in my room. Luckily Cole had spent the night, and I definitely didn’t mind the extra body heat, especially from him.
He stirred a little as I nestled into him, but didn’t open his eyes or acknowledge that he was awake in anyway. I glanced over at the clock which read 6:02. It would go off in thirty eight minutes and I contemplated sliding out of bed to shower and get ready for work a little early so my alarm didn’t wake Cole up, but decided against it. I shut my eyes instead and lazily snuggled Cole, whose hands were rubbing up and down my back over my t-shirt now. I smiled, knowing he was awake but not wanting to ruin this embrace. I was so comfortable in his arms, and despite sleeping in the same bed together, this seemed like the most intimate we had gotten. I don’t know how I was able to keep myself from jumping his bones last night, and I have to admit, I was a tad disappointed when he didn’t try to go any further then making out and a little touching last night. But it seemed like he was just trying to be respectful and I loved that.
I suddenly felt a pang of guilt in my stomach, remembering that I had agreed to meet Andrew today to talk things over. Crap. What was I going to do? I know this was only day two, or three…I don’t know what the sleep over makes it….with Cole, but I was really really enjoying hanging out with him. And I had already told him more about my family on date two then I had with any guy I dated a little. Here I was falling quickly, and I couldn’t help but remember what happened the last time I let my guard down and fell fast. Before I knew it I was being pushed out by a wedding ring. I wasn’t about to make that mistake again.
I felt Cole’s lips kiss the top of my head softly, his hands continuing to rub my back gently. “I have to get up for work soon...” I whispered, opening one eye to look up at him. To my surprise he was fully awake, eyes wide open and watching me. I blushed a little and smiled, shifting so I could look up at him, “Good morning,” I whispered and smiled again.
“Morning,” he whispered back in the sexiest morning voice ever. I could definitely get used to this. “Do you have to go to work?” he asked smirking down at me, pulling me closer against him.
“I do because I took off the other day, but it’s only from 7:30 to noon and then I will be done for the day.” I said smiling and reached over to turn my alarm clock off since I was wide awake anyways and wouldn’t need it any longer. Just as I did Daisy jumped up onto the bed, making the whole thing shake and crawled right between me and Cole, wagging her tail and licking everywhere. I laughed and pushed her off, straddling Cole and smiling down at him as I did. I smirked and leaned down to kiss him, my hands on his bare chest. Just as my tongue started to intertwine with his and my hands started rubbing his chest lightly I climbed off the bed, “Have to go to work,” I said giggling at his pouty face. “You can stay in bed and leave whenever you’re up if you want?” I suggested just before turning the corner and heading downstairs to let daisy out.
I let out daisy, starting my Keurig up as I did then let her back in and headed upstairs to shower and get ready for work quickly. I smiled seeing Cole already back asleep in my bed. What a sight.
I showered and got ready with ten minutes to spare. Today’s work outfit, jean shorts and a black V-neck Deja Brew t-shirt. I must admit, I did put on a little extra makeup and do my hair nicer than normal for work today because who knew if I was going to see Andrew after work.
I went down and made my coffee, taking a new k-cup and placing it on the center island next to a coffee cup and then grabbed a pen and paper.
Sleeping beauty-
Hope you slept well. I am sorry if I woke you up earlier. Hate to leave for work but I am done early today. I’d love to stay and have coffee in bed with you but I’ve got to go. Hope you like Dunkin Donuts coffee because that’s all I have k-cups for right now! Cream is in the door of the fridge, sugar is in the cabinet above the Keurig. Enjoy! J
p.s when you leave, please make sure the front door is locked and shut tightly, it’s tricky sometimes!
Xo J
I stared at the note, contemplating throwing it away but deciding I didn’t care if it was lame. I put the pen away, then grabbed my bag off the counter. I slipped into my sneakers that were unfortunately required at work and grabbed my keys, locking the door and pulling it closed behind me, then walked down to the café.
I frowned, pulling my phone out of my pocket at noon. No texts. No calls. None from Cole or Andrew. Not even anything from my dad who usually blew my phone up nonstop. I was sure I would at least have something to read once I got out of work, but I guess I was completely unpopular this morning. I slid my phone back into my pocket and headed home.
During work I had decided that I was not going to text Andrew at all today, if he didn’t text me first. I was leaving all of this up to him, after all I wasn’t about to chase a married man just for an explanation and an apology lunch. Especially not when I left a great guy in bed just this very morning.
I turned and started walking up my driveway. Freezing when I saw a tall brunette man standing in my kitchen with his back to the window. I walked a little closer thinking that maybe the lighting was just making Cole’s hair look darker. As I got closer though I knew this definitely wasn’t him. I froze, my mind reeling with possibilities. All going back to Cole not shutting the front door right and someone breaking into my house and waiting to kidnap me and my dog and lock us in their cellar. (Maybe I should stop watching lifetime movies and CSI…). Once I got closer to the house I saw Coles bike still on the other side of my car and heard his voice coming from the window. I sighed relieved a little, surely no one was going to break in and kidnap him….right?
As I reached for the door my stomach dropped. Andrew. I hadn’t heard from him, but maybe he had decided to show up here. It made sense after all. He knew I got out at noon. And it’s not like he hadn’t just dropped by before. Shit. I froze, unable to open the door. What if that was Andrew in there. Talking to Cole. Oh my god. What was I going to do? Surely there was no way I was getting out of this pickle. Andrew would probably recognize Cole from the night he walked me home. Great. Day ruined. I took a deep breath and opened the front door. Quietly making my way down the hall towards the kitchen.  I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath until I was about to turn the corner into the kitchen living room dining room area, when I sighed a breath of relief. I recognized the stranger’s voice, and it most definitely wasn’t Andrews.
“Letting strangers into my house?” I asked, looking over at Cole who turned, looking surprised as I walked into the kitchen, laughing.
“He had a key!” he exclaimed laughing as I walked over and hugged Jake, my little brother tightly.
“I thought someone broke into my house and was waiting to kidnap me!” I explained laughing when I saw both guys roll their eyes. “What’re you doing here?”
“Dad told me he emailed you and told you I was coming down a day earlier! I didn’t know you had work.”
“I haven’t checked my email in like a week. You could have texted me.” I said laughing. “I didn’t see your car outside?”
“Annie is with me. She ran to the store to get some stuff for lunch since all you have in your fridge is basically wine and cold pizza.” He said laughing. Annie was Jake’s girlfriend, whom I loved to death. She was a year younger then Jake, which was a bummer because she wasn’t twenty one just yet and never came out with us but she was a blast to hang out with. It also helped that they had been dating since Jake was 15 so I had about 6 years to get used to another girl being around.
“Necessities.” I said smiling, then turning back to Cole who was watching us from across the room. “So I take it you guys are all introduced now.” I said, looking back and forth between the two. I suddenly felt a little nervous. I never introduced guys to my family until after like a month usually, especially not my over protective brothers. And here we were, doing introductions the afternoon after mine and Cole’s first sleep over and only second date. Lucky me.
“Yea, your brother came in when I was making my coffee. Thanks for that by the way.” He said smiling down at me. “I think we pretty much scared the shit out of each other.” He said laughing.
“I knew someone was here, because I know you don’t own a bike that nice,” Jake said looking over at me, “but you didn’t mention a boyfriend last we talked, so I was a little skeptical to come inside. Thought I had the wrong house for a second.”
I laughed, trying to brush off my brother calling Cole my boyfriend. I liked how it sounded, but it was only a few days into this and I didn’t want him to tuck tail and run because things were moving too fast. Hell, I didn’t want to scare myself away from it by moving too fast. Instead of correcting him I did what I do best, removed myself from that conversation.
“Well I’m going to go change out of my work clothes, I smell like bagels and coffee.” I said laughing, “Jake make yourself comfortable, although I’m sure you already have.” I said raising an eyebrow at his shoes making a small pile off to the side and his wallet and sunglasses spread out on the counter.
I turned and ran upstairs, sitting on my bed. Suddenly Andrew flashed through my mind. What if it had been him? That was too close of a call. Maybe I should just tell him I can’t see him yet. I thought about it then grabbed my phone and typed in his number, pulling up a blank message, and wrote:
Can’t meet up for lunch today. Need more time. Have a good weekend. Maybe we can talk another time, but I can’t just yet. I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes to anything either. I just can’t see you yet. I hope you understand.  I just need time and space. Please don’t come into the café again either. I will come to you when I’m ready.
I starred at the message, my thumb hovering over the send button. My head shot up as I heard my bedroom door opening, and before I knew it my thumb was brushing against my phone and the message had been sent. No turning back now. And surprisingly I was okay with that. I smiled genuinely and tossed my phone across my bed.
“Sorry about that,” I whispered as Cole walked into the room, shutting the door behind him. “I had no idea he was coming today. No one was supposed to be here until tomorrow.” I added, apologetic.
“Don’t apologize, your brother is cool. Kind of awkward at first, but you weren’t kidding when you said earlier that he knows his bikes. So at least we had that to talk about. Plus he wasn’t too mean when he warned me about you.” He said laughing as he sat on the bed, laying back and pulling me down with him.
I looked over at him, mortified, “did he really?” I asked, “I’m sorry!”
He chuckled and rolled over a little, resting on top of me and kissing me deeply, “Jess, its fine, really. I do the same for my sisters.” He said, kissing me again, “you didn’t tell him I wasn’t your boyfriend earlier…” he whispered, looking down at me more intently now.
I wrinkled my nose, looking up at him and kissed him softly. God I hate these conversations. “I don’t want to rush into anything. I didn’t want to agree with him and scare you off. But I didn’t want to disagree and give you the wrong idea. I think this…” I said nodding between the two of us, “is going good, and I’d like for it to head in that direction if you do. I didn’t want to ruin it by opening my mouth.” I admitted, nervously meeting his gaze. My eyes on his, trying to figure out what he was thinking.
He smiled wide and plopped on top of me, crushing me as I laughed and wriggled under him. “Cole!” I exclaimed laughing as hard as any person could with another crushing them. Finally he lifted up and kissed me, hard and sloppily, “I agree with everything you just said. Soon enough you’ll let them call me your boyfriend,” he added cockily, and I have to admit, it was kind of sexy, “and that crushing you was payback for your little teasing stunt this morning,” he said smirking down at me and laughing. “You should get changed so we can go eat lunch, I think I heard someone else come inside.” He whispered climbing off the bed and pulling me up off it with him.
I raised my arm and hand up to salute him, “yes sir” I said giggling and turned towards my closet.
“You’re such a brat,” he said laughing as he headed for the door to allow me to change.
“How much do I owe for the sandwich?” I asked Annie. After long hellos between the two of us, and introducing her to Cole, the four of us were sat around the table on my back deck with amazing sandwiches from a deli nearby.
“Nothing, Cole actually paid for it all.” Annie said, smiling from me to him.
I smiled, reaching over and resting my hand on Cole’s leg under the table. Literally, this guy was too nice and sweet to be true. “You didn’t have to do that...” I whispered when Annie and Jake were in their own conversation.
“I know, but I wanted too.” He said leaning over and kissing me quickly. “I should be heading out soon.”
I glanced at the clock on the side of my house, 2 o’clock already. “I’ll walk you out.” I said smiling and started grabbing garbage and things from the table to bring inside with me. Cole followed close behind carrying whatever I couldn’t. He shut the sliding door behind us, coming up behind me at the island in the kitchen, placing everything on the counters, his arms coming around me as he did. I turned around and smiled up at him, my arms snaking around his waist, “Thank you for lunch,” I whispered inching closer to him, “and thank for being so chill about this little family luncheon,” I said laughing a little then kissing him.
“I really enjoyed it,” he whispered between soft kisses. Each once seeming to get harder and greedier. “I work tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday night now.”
“Yea, I work until five tomorrow then my older brother, dad, and niece are coming to town until Sunday night probably.”
“How about we see a movie on Tuesday night?” he suggested, smiling.
“Sounds perfect, I get out of work at 4.”
“Well then, I will see you around then,” he whispered kissing me hard, pulling me into him as we started to make out a little more intensely now. His arms sliding down under my butt and lifting me up onto the island counter. His hands slid back around my body, fingers trailing over my stomach under my shirt as my legs wrapped around him. I giggled, harder then expected, as his fingers trailed over my ticklish sides, bringing us both back to reality. “I’ll text you over the weekend.” He whispered, kissing me again lightly, his hands resting on my bare thighs.
“Sounds good,” I said smiling, hopping off the counter and following him over to the front door.
I hugged him bye, pulling away as he pulled me back and kissed me deeply again, “Just to hold me over until Tuesday,” he whispered, laughing then walked to his bike and started it up, waving as he pulled out of the driveway.