Thursday, June 19, 2014

No decisions before coffee....or pancakes!

“Auntie J, auntie J, auntie J, auntie J,” I squinted as each call of my name got louder and louder. I rolled over once the noise disappeared, only to have a three year old launching herself onto my bed and on top of me a few minutes later, laughing harder than ever. I couldn’t help by smile and laugh when she was. I grabbed her and rolled over, pulling her over with me and tickling her as she squirmed and shrieked. Finally I stopped, plopping back down on the bed as she snuggled up against me.

“Good morning munchkin,” I whispered kissing the top of her head.

“Grandpa is making pancakes,” she exclaimed loudly, “Daddy told me to come wake you up to eat with me!”
I sighed. Of course he did. I sat up, pulling her over me and setting her back down on the floor as I swung my legs around and hung them off the bed, running my fingers through my hair and pulling it back, clipping it up with a clip I left on my night stand. “I’m going to wash up then I’ll be down, save me a seat next to you?”

“OKAY!” she practically screamed, making my ears ring, before turning and running out of my room and down the stairs.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Damn I was lucky I wasn’t hung-over. What even happened last night? I pushed myself up off the bed and walked into my bathroom, washing my face as bits and pieces of being with Andrew filled my mind. I wish I was sober. Probably would have been a better idea for that conversation. I made a mental note to text him and have an actual sober serious conversation in the near future. After sleeping on it I knew it had to be me or his wife. I couldn't handle both, and I definitely couldn't handle having Cole and Andrew. But who was I going to pick? I pondered the thought as I dried off my face and pulled my hair up into a messy bun then padded down the stairs and into the kitchen.

I stood in the doorway, breathing in the amazing smells of bacon, sausage, and pancakes. I smiled, seeing my dad move throughout the kitchen without hesitation, Michaela sitting up at the counter watching while the boys and Annie sat out on the back deck drinking what I assumed to be coffee. I couldn’t help but smile seeing us all together again, especially at how happy everyone looked. I was a little sad thinking about them leaving in just 24 hours, but I was glad we were having a family day today.

“Good morning Dad,” I said, walking into the kitchen and joining my dad and Cay. “Did you sleep alright?”

“Good morning sweetheart, I did, thank you. That guest room is really nice.” He said smiling and kissed my cheek then went back to flipping the pancakes he had cooking.

“I’m glad you like it, I just finished decorating it last week,” I said laughing when he rolled his eyes. He, if anyone, knows how much of procrastinator I am. “Smells really good in here,” I said as I poured myself a large cup of coffee, adding too much cream and sugar than was good for me. I climbed up on the stool at the counter next to Cay, just as my dad slid two plates of food across the counter to us. I buttered and cut Cays pancakes, pouring syrup all over them then did the same to mine, stuffing my face. It had been a long time since I had a home cooked meal.

I excused myself quickly and went to my room to grab my phone. I wanted to frown upon seeing no texts from Andrew, but I couldn’t help but smile from the cute good morning texts from Cole. Could I really even begin to screw over this amazing guy? I took a deep breath and I finally knew what I had to do. I needed to talk to the guys, and I knew exactly who my first conversation was going to be with.


Having your cake and eating it too. NOT so easy

I stared out the front window, trying not to stare at him, and trying not to break down just being around him. The butterflies in my stomach were going insane. I opened my mouth to speak and just as I did Andrews voice filled the car. I sighed relieved, listening to what he had to say. “Jess I know we need to talk,” he started, his voice coming out in a whisper. “Before we figure out how to move on with us, I need to apologize. I know what I did was wrong. I should have told you right away. My intentions were never to hurt you, I promise that was the very last thing I wanted.” He said, looking over at me sincerely as he waited for a traffic light to turn to green. He continued on talking and driving, “I did not have my wedding ring on the day I met you, because I never wear it when I work out. Then I left it off because I didn’t want to scare you away before you got to know me….” He said sighing, “Jess, no one has ever looked at me the way you did in that cafĂ© that morning, that was a feeling I was greedy to feel again, and I knew telling you I was married was going to blow all my shots.”

He looked over at me for some sort of reaction, so I nodded my head agreeing. Him and I both knew I never would have agreed to hang out with him had I known. “Now is where it gets complicated.” He said as he pulled into a parking spot at the deserted beach. “I don’t want to leave my family. Leaving my wife means losing my family, my children, my home. But just as much as I don’t want to lose them, I don’t want to lose you either. If we give up on whatever was going on with us then I’ll have to live with the what if feeling for the rest of my life. I want to know where things go with you. If it comes down to leaving my family in the end, then maybe it does. But right now I need you to know losing my family and losing you both aren’t in the cards. It is greedy, I know. But I want both. I need both.” He whispered. Stopping and turning to face me in the car. I turned to look at him, just staring blankly over at him. I had no idea what to say. My mind was racing, my heart was beating out of my chest and the butterflies in my stomach were making me nauseous.

When he realized I was frozen and speechless, he spoke again. “Don’t be mad, but I saw you the other day with that boy. The one who walked you home that night I was waiting for you,” he said trying to catch my eyes with his. I bit my lip, nervously staying quiet hoping he wasn’t waiting for an answer. “I know me being married is different then you dating, but how is me being here with you behind my wife’s back any different than you being here with me because his back?” he continued on.

I sighed, he had a point. Granted, it wasn’t the same as cheating on a spouse, but it was the same in simpler terms. I closed my eyes, my fingers running up my face and through my hair. Finally I opened my mouth to talk. “You’re right.” I whispered. I knew he was. He knew he was. I was doing to Cole what he was doing to his wife. And as fucked up as is seemed, losing him and Cole both were not in the cards for me either. I wanted my cake. And I wanted to eat my cake. God only knows if that was going to be possible but I needed to try. I too can’t live with the what if. “I don’t want to give up.” I said finally. “Just being here with you, the way I feel around you right now, that’s enough proof that I need to stay and figure things out with you.” I said, “But I don’t want to be that girl.” I said boldly. “No one can know Andrew. I don’t want to be the mistress, and I don’t want to be the cheater. Cole and I are just starting to get to know each other. I can’t ruin that.” I said softly, I felt guilty mentioning Cole, but if we were going to do this we had to be honest with each other. “I know having you, and Cole, is wrong, but I want something with him that I can’t have with you. At the same time in not sure I’m ready to lose you either. Only time will tell, so until then, I guess we can continue whatever this is…”

I finally looked up, my eyes meeting his and couldn’t help but smile at the relieved look on his face. I reached over and placed my hand on his thigh, “sorry for being mean at the bar.” I said.

“I deserved it,” he said laughing as he leaned in a little closer. I smiled, my eyes flickering from his lips to his eyes. I wanted him to kiss me. I didn’t even realize how much I had missed him until I got him back and realized what I haven’t had.

“Kiss me,” I whispered, giggling a little.

“I’ve been dying to all night,” he whispered quickly as he leaned in and kissed me hard, his lips hungrily crushing down on mine, making up for lost time.

I squirmed in my seat a little, moving myself to get closer to him. Before I knew it his arms were around me and he was pulling me over the center council and into his lap. I laughed, wiggling up against him to get comfortable as he moved the seat back as far as he could from the steering wheel. As the seat slowly made its way backwards I leaned down and kissed his neck lightly, sucking teasingly on it as I felt both his hands on my hips again, his fingers digging into me a little as he gripped onto me, grinding up against me. I moaned against his neck softly, feeling how hard he was through his jeans.

My hands snaked down, slipping under his shirt and running over his stomach and chest, his muscles twitching under my soft caress. I gripped onto his t-shirt, trying to wiggle it up when he stopped me, looking up at me with a serious face.

“What,” I asked, my breathing matching his.

“I don’t want it to be like this the first time I have my way with you,” he muttered through gritted teeth, sending shivers down my spine.

I pouted looking down at him. “Fine,” I groaned, realizing he wasn’t going to change his mind. I reluctantly climbed back into my seat, a little annoyed but trying to let it go. He reached for my hand, holding it as he readjusted his seat and pulled away from the beach lot.

Ten minutes and a silent car ride later we were back in front of my house. I reached for the door handle, ready to just get out and get in bed. I was seriously annoyed. I forgave and practically threw myself at Andrew,  risking everything with Cole only to be denied. What the hell was that about. Just as I pulled on the handle he locked the doors, trapping me in. I looked back at him over my shoulder, “please, I just want to go to bed.” I whispered, almost begging him.

“Not until you smile and promise me you’re not mad,” he said smirking when I rolled my eyes. “Jess I want this. I really do. But I want it to be different with you. I want to show you that you’re not just sex.”

I smiled a half smile, “I’m fine,” I whispered, laughing a little when he unlocked the door.

“Soon baby, soon,” he whispered winking as I shut the door and he drove away.

I snuck into my house, finally climbing into bed. I relaxed back against my pillows and before I knew it tears began flowing down my face, and I couldn’t stop them. I was already stressed out and on top of that I was confused as hell right now. What had I just agreed to? The one thing I needed was a vent sesh with my girlfriends and I couldn’t even do that because Andrew had to remain completely a secret.

Damn, this was going to be harder than I thought.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The power of vodka and loneliness.

“Let go of me,” I hissed, realizing the words came out much harsher then intended by the look on Andrews face as his arm pulled away from me quickly. I glanced over at our table, seeing Tom watching us from across the room. Shit. “I have to go,” I whispered.

“Jess, please…” he begged desperately, and I could smell a hint of whiskey on his breath. “I’m here with guys from work, but please see me later?” he suggested.

I looked back, Tom still watching, and knew I had to walk away from this soon, pretty sure Cole was bound to find out if this went on longer. “I’m here with my brothers, I’m not sure I can.” I said shrugging, frowning a little. This past week was great with Cole, but my heart was racing standing here with Andrew. “I’ll text you,” I said, smiling a little as I turned and walked away, not looking back.

I slid into the table across from Tom and Lauren, taking a sip from my drink, I could feel Tom’s stare burning into me. The last thing I needed was drama with Coles best friend, and my best friends boyfriend, but things were definitely about to get sticky, if I didn’t make up my mind soon. Before I knew it I was downing my fourth drink, and reaching for whatever shots were walking past our table. I was completely tuned out of all conversation around me at the table and completely tuned into vodka, vodka, and more vodka.

God only knows how much time went by but eventually my brother was tucking me into my bed after carrying me to the car and into the house. I laughed being dropped on the bed, saying goodnight and fished my phone out of my back pocket. I dialed Andrew’s number and sat up in my bed, leaning against the wall, waiting for his answer.

“Hello...” damn his voice sounded sexy.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Jess,” he sounded surprised, and cleared his throat immediately, “are you okay?”

“Yea, I’m uh fine,” I said, giggling a little, “drunk, and lonely.” I whispered, “And we need to talk, right?”

I could hear him moving around in bed, “I’ll come and get you. We can go for a drive.”

I smiled, butterflies filling my stomach instantly, “I’ll wait outside,” I whispered then hung up and leapt out of bed to change. I pulled on a pair of leggings and a loose t-shirt. Ten minutes later I crept down stairs and tip toed out the door. Sneaking out of my own house? Who would have thought?

I few minutes later I saw lights coming down the road and made my way to the end of the driveway, giving a little half wave as he pulled up. Tonight he was in the jeep, and looked extra sexy sitting up in the driver’s seat when I opened the door. His hair still a bit crazy from his pillows, his face scruffy. Damn I had missed him. I climbed up in the car, suddenly extremely nervous and avoiding eye contact as I buckled my seat.

He started to pull away from the curb, stopping and reaching over, running his knuckles down the side of my face, his hand cupping my cheek and turning my face towards him. His thumb running over my chapped lips as he spoke. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, then turned back to the road and pulled down the street.