Having your cake and eating it too. NOT so easy

I stared out the front window, trying not to stare at him, and trying not to break down just being around him. The butterflies in my stomach were going insane. I opened my mouth to speak and just as I did Andrews voice filled the car. I sighed relieved, listening to what he had to say. “Jess I know we need to talk,” he started, his voice coming out in a whisper. “Before we figure out how to move on with us, I need to apologize. I know what I did was wrong. I should have told you right away. My intentions were never to hurt you, I promise that was the very last thing I wanted.” He said, looking over at me sincerely as he waited for a traffic light to turn to green. He continued on talking and driving, “I did not have my wedding ring on the day I met you, because I never wear it when I work out. Then I left it off because I didn’t want to scare you away before you got to know me….” He said sighing, “Jess, no one has ever looked at me the way you did in that café that morning, that was a feeling I was greedy to feel again, and I knew telling you I was married was going to blow all my shots.”

He looked over at me for some sort of reaction, so I nodded my head agreeing. Him and I both knew I never would have agreed to hang out with him had I known. “Now is where it gets complicated.” He said as he pulled into a parking spot at the deserted beach. “I don’t want to leave my family. Leaving my wife means losing my family, my children, my home. But just as much as I don’t want to lose them, I don’t want to lose you either. If we give up on whatever was going on with us then I’ll have to live with the what if feeling for the rest of my life. I want to know where things go with you. If it comes down to leaving my family in the end, then maybe it does. But right now I need you to know losing my family and losing you both aren’t in the cards. It is greedy, I know. But I want both. I need both.” He whispered. Stopping and turning to face me in the car. I turned to look at him, just staring blankly over at him. I had no idea what to say. My mind was racing, my heart was beating out of my chest and the butterflies in my stomach were making me nauseous.

When he realized I was frozen and speechless, he spoke again. “Don’t be mad, but I saw you the other day with that boy. The one who walked you home that night I was waiting for you,” he said trying to catch my eyes with his. I bit my lip, nervously staying quiet hoping he wasn’t waiting for an answer. “I know me being married is different then you dating, but how is me being here with you behind my wife’s back any different than you being here with me because his back?” he continued on.

I sighed, he had a point. Granted, it wasn’t the same as cheating on a spouse, but it was the same in simpler terms. I closed my eyes, my fingers running up my face and through my hair. Finally I opened my mouth to talk. “You’re right.” I whispered. I knew he was. He knew he was. I was doing to Cole what he was doing to his wife. And as fucked up as is seemed, losing him and Cole both were not in the cards for me either. I wanted my cake. And I wanted to eat my cake. God only knows if that was going to be possible but I needed to try. I too can’t live with the what if. “I don’t want to give up.” I said finally. “Just being here with you, the way I feel around you right now, that’s enough proof that I need to stay and figure things out with you.” I said, “But I don’t want to be that girl.” I said boldly. “No one can know Andrew. I don’t want to be the mistress, and I don’t want to be the cheater. Cole and I are just starting to get to know each other. I can’t ruin that.” I said softly, I felt guilty mentioning Cole, but if we were going to do this we had to be honest with each other. “I know having you, and Cole, is wrong, but I want something with him that I can’t have with you. At the same time in not sure I’m ready to lose you either. Only time will tell, so until then, I guess we can continue whatever this is…”

I finally looked up, my eyes meeting his and couldn’t help but smile at the relieved look on his face. I reached over and placed my hand on his thigh, “sorry for being mean at the bar.” I said.

“I deserved it,” he said laughing as he leaned in a little closer. I smiled, my eyes flickering from his lips to his eyes. I wanted him to kiss me. I didn’t even realize how much I had missed him until I got him back and realized what I haven’t had.

“Kiss me,” I whispered, giggling a little.

“I’ve been dying to all night,” he whispered quickly as he leaned in and kissed me hard, his lips hungrily crushing down on mine, making up for lost time.

I squirmed in my seat a little, moving myself to get closer to him. Before I knew it his arms were around me and he was pulling me over the center council and into his lap. I laughed, wiggling up against him to get comfortable as he moved the seat back as far as he could from the steering wheel. As the seat slowly made its way backwards I leaned down and kissed his neck lightly, sucking teasingly on it as I felt both his hands on my hips again, his fingers digging into me a little as he gripped onto me, grinding up against me. I moaned against his neck softly, feeling how hard he was through his jeans.

My hands snaked down, slipping under his shirt and running over his stomach and chest, his muscles twitching under my soft caress. I gripped onto his t-shirt, trying to wiggle it up when he stopped me, looking up at me with a serious face.

“What,” I asked, my breathing matching his.

“I don’t want it to be like this the first time I have my way with you,” he muttered through gritted teeth, sending shivers down my spine.

I pouted looking down at him. “Fine,” I groaned, realizing he wasn’t going to change his mind. I reluctantly climbed back into my seat, a little annoyed but trying to let it go. He reached for my hand, holding it as he readjusted his seat and pulled away from the beach lot.

Ten minutes and a silent car ride later we were back in front of my house. I reached for the door handle, ready to just get out and get in bed. I was seriously annoyed. I forgave and practically threw myself at Andrew,  risking everything with Cole only to be denied. What the hell was that about. Just as I pulled on the handle he locked the doors, trapping me in. I looked back at him over my shoulder, “please, I just want to go to bed.” I whispered, almost begging him.

“Not until you smile and promise me you’re not mad,” he said smirking when I rolled my eyes. “Jess I want this. I really do. But I want it to be different with you. I want to show you that you’re not just sex.”

I smiled a half smile, “I’m fine,” I whispered, laughing a little when he unlocked the door.

“Soon baby, soon,” he whispered winking as I shut the door and he drove away.

I snuck into my house, finally climbing into bed. I relaxed back against my pillows and before I knew it tears began flowing down my face, and I couldn’t stop them. I was already stressed out and on top of that I was confused as hell right now. What had I just agreed to? The one thing I needed was a vent sesh with my girlfriends and I couldn’t even do that because Andrew had to remain completely a secret.

Damn, this was going to be harder than I thought.